


Be Honest With Yourself

by HumbleHufflepuff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 07:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21334852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumbleHufflepuff/pseuds/HumbleHufflepuff
Summary: Summery - Sirius and Remus have been dating for quite a while in secret. They decided to keep it a secret for a while. But they have been dating steady for a good five months now almost six to be more accurate, without an issue. Remus wants to tell people and be open. He doesn't want to have to hide more than he already does thanks to his furry little problem. What happens when he proposes it to Sirius?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is something I've been wanting to write for so long it really means a lot to me.  
This is part 1 of 2 parts. I'll post part two within a few weeks.

It was such a beautiful summer night Remus thought. Looking up at the sky full of sparkling stars. He felt Sirius move up more to lay on his chest more comfortably as they laid on a bunch of blankets at the top of the astronomy tower. Remus smiled as he smelled his fresh shampoo. "Just look at it Padfoot it's so beautiful." Remus said looking up again. He lived for these moments. The moments he didn't have to hide for anything or anyone. Looking up into the night sky with a very small moon and a billion shining stars. Holding the man he loves close to his body. "Yes I know I am Moony you don't have to keep saying it you know." Sirius said with a little cheeky smile on his perfect face. Remus smiled at his boyfriends comment. Sirius was always doing that and Remus found it endearing. "Who?" Remus said with a small smile on his face. Sirius slapped him on his arm. "Rude." He huffed. Remus just smiled proudly. Sirius had noticed how open Remus had been getting with him and even with the Marauders. Sirius loved when Remus was like this open and making jokes. A very different person to the bookworm who studied religiously. Don't get him wrong it was the quiet bookworm with a secret level of sass he had fallen for. But it was nice to see Remus a tad more talkative. Sirius likes to think he's a big reason for that. Sirius crawled his way up Remus' long and lean body so he was straddling Remus. He gave his cheek a kiss. "But you think I'm beautiful right?" He asked Remus who just laughed. Sirius pouted. Remus smiled and brought his hand to Sirius' cheek. "Yes, you are so beautiful love." Remus said stroking his cheek. Sirius smiled proudly. He leaned in too Remus and gave him a long passionate kiss. Remus moved his hands one to the back of Sirius' neck and one his waist. Sirius cupped one of Remus' cheeks with his hand and laid the other over his chest. When the pulled away Sirius went to lay back down on Remus' chest holding on to him tightly. Remus hugged Sirius tightly to his chest giving him a kiss to his forehead. They both didn't say much being tired from classes and finally sneaking a moment to be together. Sometimes they would barely stop talking but sometimes they just sat there in a very comfortable silence in each others loving company. They both seemed to be deep in thought.

Remus knew how he was making slight changes because of Sirius. He was still the boy who would study ahead a fair few lessons and read books constantly in the common room by the fire in his favorite armchair that had been marked as his. He was still painfully shy and would still turn red if he got asked to give an answer to a question in class. Still always gentle and kind. But he seemed to be a bit more interactive with his friends and joking around with them more. He knew it was all thanks to Sirius. He felt like he didn't have to hide a certain part of himself anymore and it felt fantastic. When he was with Sirius he was open and free. But one thing was getting to him. No one knew about them. Not even Lily. And Remus wanted to tell her more than anything. He didn't exactly want to tell the whole world but he just wanted to be open about it. He didn't want to hide something if he didn't have to. He had his furry little problem to hide. He didn't want to hide the love he had for Sirius. Why should they love is love regardless of who it's with. He wanted to ask Sirius how he felt about the matter. But he was afraid Sirius wouldn't agree. And Remus really didn't want to argue with him. Especially about this. He knows if Sirius doesn't feel the same way he will be a bit hurt. Insecurity still prominent in Remus. He was still afraid Sirius might just see this as a fling or something less meaningful than Remus did. Remus had thought Sirius was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen.

The moment the boy had introduced himself all the way back in first year. Remus had just made Gryffindor and walked with his head tilted slightly down being shy from all the attention. And he sat down getting patted on the back by a number of Gryffindor students as he made his way to his seat. He sat down and pulled his sweater sleeves over his hands a bit feeling very anxious. Remus looked up to look into the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen. They were grey a very distinctive grey. You'd think they would be dull and color less but these where the most bright eyes he'd ever seen. "Hey I'm Sirius." The boy said. God Remus was speechless. He was so handsome. He had the most defined facial features his skin soft and radient. And his hair dark as cole and slightly curly falling over his eyebrows. "H-hey I'm Remus." He said smiling back at the handsome boy. "Hey I'm James nice to meet you!" They started chatting and Peter joined the Gryffindor table and thus the friendship of the Marauders started. 

As the years past by Remus' feelings only started to get stronger. First he hid it as just really loving his friendship with Sirius because they just got on so well. But he soon realised that it was more. It started when in year two Sirius started parading around shirtless in their dorm room. And showing off his abs and muscles he was getting thanks to puberty and Quidditch. Remus was sitting on his bed reading and suddenly he had a hard time reading the words on the paper. Merlin he was gorgeous Remus thought. But soon he looked back at his book knowing nothing would ever come of it. Sirius was undoubtedly one of Hogwarts most handsome boys. And girls and even some of the boys pinned over him. And Remus well. He didn't think he stood a chance. He wasn't handsome like the other boys. He had scars on his face and on places on his body. He didn't think he was good looking whatsoever. But he was wrong. Because from day one something about Remus captured Sirius' eye and it didn't let him go. Sirius knew he felt an attraction to men sooner than Remus did. So he would tease Remus by walking around shirtless. Also showing off because that's just what Sirius did. Sirius knew all the girls and some boys where drooling over him. And he just smirked at it. He knew he was a handsome devil. But there was only one boy he fancied. And that was Remus. Remus was beautiful. He was so gentle and kind and caring. His face was sculpted by gods. He was so precious the perfect cute nose and those eyes with the longest eyelashes. Don't get Sirius started on those damn freckles. And his honey hair that fell into his face. Was just the cherry on top. And the fact that Remus was significantly taller than he was merlin he couldn't even handle it.

"Pads?" Remus asked quietly. "Yeah Moony?" Sirius answered nuzzling his face into Remus' chest covered sweater. Remus took a deep breathe. "I uhm.. Do you think that w-we uh.." Remus was full of nerves and his stutter gave him away all too easily. "What's wrong Remus?" Sirius asked noticing how nervous his boyfriend was all of a sudden. "Well I was just uh wondering i-if we ever uh.. are we going too.." Remus trailed off again. "Babe you can tell me anything remember." Sirius said stroking his chest gently. Remus sighed and loved the feeling of Sirius' hands on his body. He instantly relaxed by his boyfriends touch. Remus took another deep breathe he just needed to say it. "Sirius I want to tell people about us." Remus said closing his eyes tightly. The stroking of Remus' chest stopped. Remus felt Sirius stiffen in his arms. Remus squeezed his eyes shut already knowing this conversation wasn't going to go the way he wanted it too. Remus felt tears burning in his eyes and he really tries to let them disappear. Now he just wished he had never said anything at all. Remus tried to get up lifting Sirius off his chest in the process. Remus lifted his knees to his chest in attempt to hide himself. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything." Remus said trying and failing to compose himself.

Sirius just sat there deep in thought about what Remus was asking him. It wasn't that he didn't love Remus. Honestly they had been seeing each other for almost six months coming up in a week and half. And Sirius knew he just knew Remus was the love of his life. He loved Remus with all his heart. But he was too afraid to say so. Sirius had never been one to show too much emotion considering his background and more importantly his family. His family where horrible people except Regulus of course. Even though Regulus seemed to be buying into their ways. And it killed Sirius to see his little brother doing things that didn't fit the good person he was. And he tried to help Regulus and show him the better way but he just wouldn't have it. So he let his brother make his own decisions. If theres one thing he knows about Regulus it's that he will always do things his own way stubborn as he was. Sirius seemed to come out of his thinking daze a little and he watched Remus sitting there wrapped in a blanket and knees pulled up to his adorable chin. Sirius frowned at the sight. He didn't want to hurt Remus. He would rather cut his own arm off than hurt his ray sunshine. Sirius looked back at his hands. You see he was still trying to keep the peace at home. Not wanting to fight and argue with his parents every single time. He also didn't enjoy his mother sending him a howler when he would do something she didn't agree with. To make matters even worse tomorrow was the big quidditch game. The finals Gryffindor against Slytherin. And Sirius had gotten a letter this morning saying they would be coming to watch Sirius play. To make sure he wasn't a disappointment in everything he did. But the Black's coming meant Sirius pretending to be someone he was obviously not. And James was in on the plan for when his parents would come to visit. It meant acting straight. Acting proper. Acting like a dick. Acting like someone he wasn't and didn't want to be. But Sirius just wanted to keep the peace a little longer. Why? He didn't even know exactly.

Sirius was so lost in thought that he barely noticed Remus getting up and folding one of his blankets ready to walk away. Sirius scrambled to his feet. "Remus where are you going?" Sirius said already feeling incredibly stupid for asking that question. "I-I uhm I think I'm just going to go back inside and off to bed." Remus said not even looking at Sirius. Sirius felt sad that Remus seemed to recoil back into shyness. "Remus don't go just wait." Sirius said. "It's alright Sirius I shouldn't have brought it up it was stupid of me." Remus sighed finishing folding the last blanket. "No Remus it wasn't I get it." Sirius said quickly grabbing Remus' hand in his. It still left both of them breathless how perfect their hands seemed to fit together. Remus has hopeful eyes. "So do you want to?" Remus asks always being so careful. Sirius looked up into those amber eyes he loves so much. He laughed. And Remus' small smile fell. "Look Remus it's going fine between us isn't it? Just you and me no one else I don't really see why we need to change that." Sirius said hands still holding Remus' hand in his. Remus felt a little hurt that Sirius laughed at his question. Wasn't it normal for people in a relationship to at one point tell everyone because you want to share your love? Remus didn't want to hide anymore. "I don't want to hide Pads." He said so softly. Sirius looked up at his sad boyfriend. Sirius understood this but he just couldn't do this right now. He parents would be here in about 12 hours. Don't get Sirius wrong he wants nothing more than to show the school Remus is his and that he is Remus'. But right now he was too preoccupied with his own issues and it didn't seem to resonate with him 100% how this must be for Remus and how he felt in all this. He knew deep down but he couldn't get to the feeling well enough then and there. Sirius disliked his parents a lot but he still wanted some kind of approval form them. He just wanted to hold on to it a little longer. And deep down he knows how selfish it is. He knows he's being insensitive but he can't help it at the moment.

"I don't want to hide anymore Sirius not anymore." Remus said again a bit firmer than the last time like he was more sure of himself. "I know Rem." Sirius said knowing now that Remus wouldn't drop it. And this also couldn't be solved with a kiss. Not this time. "But you don't think we should?" Remus said voice not losing it's tone. "I just don't really see why we would need to, everything is going just fine Remus why would we ruin the good flow now?" Sirius said annoyance growing in his voice. "Ruin it?" Remus said looking back down at the blankets in his arms. Sirius rolled his eyes because in his opinion every situation could use some sass. "That's not what I meant and you know it Remus." He said bringing his hand through his hair. "Then what do you mean Sirius because I honestly don't understand anymore." Remus said growing tired of Sirius' excuses. If Sirius doesn't feel the same way or doesn't agree that's fine but Remus wants Sirius to tell him the truth. Remus knows Sirius isn't great at the whole opening up thing yet. And neither is Remus still a tad afraid of giving himself bare. But it really upset Remus when Sirius wouldn't share his feelings or thoughts with him. That's what people in a relationship do. Did he not trust Remus? Did he not feel he could share certain things with him? Does he not feel like they are a couple? "Look I just don't see the rush alright don't tell me your turning into one of those sickeningly clingy and whiney girls Remus." Sirius a laugh playing on his lips. But Remus wasn't laughing. "That's not what this is about and you know it. If you don't want to that's fine. Just don't lie to me about it." Remus said firmly pulling his hand away from Sirius' hand. As he turned around to leave he stopped and looked back to where Sirius was standing but not looking at him. "And that was unnecessary and mean." Remus said the hurt threatening to seep from his words. He went to walk away but Sirius didn't want to let him go in a fight. "Remus wait I didn't mean that. Please don't leave baby wait." Sirius pleaded walking towards his pride and joy. Sirius knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't stop himself. He just couldn't deal with this right now. His parents are going to be here tomorrow expecting Sirius in his best clothes on his best behavior acing his classes and playing like a pro in the Quidditch game. Not to mention they expected to see Sirius have a girl on his arm. Sirius cringed at the idea he liked guys and he always would. But his parents where expecting a pure blood girl to congratulate him after his winning of the Quidditch match. And to maintain the peace and not be married off to some random pure blood girl he said he'd find one himself. He wished things could be different. And they could and the change was within reach. He just could't grasp it yet.

"I didn't mean it like that Moony, you know that right?" Sirius said holding onto his boyfriends arm hopefully. He didn't want to fight with Remus not now, not ever. "Then what do you mean Padfoot because honestly I'm a bit lost. If you don't want to come out as a couple that's fine by me but just be honest about it." Remus said not really looking at Sirius just yet. "I just.. I think it's too soon." Sirius said lying yet again. He wanted nothing more to be honest with Remus. He hated lying to him. But if he told Remus the truth he knew Remus wouldn't understand. "I don't see why we should or why you would even want to we haven't been together for that long I mean this could end within a month for all we know." Sirius said nonchalantly without even thinking of his own words. Even though they had been together for almost six months. Sirius had slipped into defence. When he was trying to hide something or really didn't want to talk about something he seemed to turn dark, mean and extremely unreasonable not really caring who he hurt. He usually did it where he lived with his parents with Regulus and all those snobby pure blood Slytherins. Using against people he didn't like he almost forgot it was Remus he was talking to. One of his best friends. The boy who calms him. Who helps him with potions even though he knows he isn't even paying attention. The boy who will read him stories when he can't sleep. The boy who will invite him into his bed when there is a storm or if he has a nightmare. Run down to the kitchens to make him some hot tea and cuddle him all night if need be. The purest and most precious soul he had ever known. The boy he was madly falling deeply and hopelessly in love with. A little more every day that passed. Again he was so busy in his thoughts he realised too late what he had said. Remus stood there tears in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. He hugged the blankets even tighter to his chest. His worst fear had come true. Sirius didn't take this seriously. He was probably just another fling to him. He didn't think they where an actual couple. He was just his dirty little secret. And it hurt him. Very bad. He just rushed down the stairs of the astronomy tower. Did he not mean that much to Sirius then? Did Sirius really think that they wouldn't last another month? Was he planning to break it off? Remus wiped his eyes on his sleeve as he continued walking down the stairs being careful not to trip seeing as he couldn't see much due to his tears.

Sirius ran down the stairs of the astronomy tower. Trying to catch up with Remus. "Wait Remus please wait!" He called as he caught up with him holding his shoulders. It really desperately hurt Sirius to see Remus cry. It hurt him even more he was the reason for the tears. "No Sirius I'm not going to wait, if you really think we won't last longer than a month that's fine then there's no other reason to talk." Remus said walking past him. Sirius stood still. What was he saying? "What do you mean Moony?" Sirius said just about loud enough for Remus to hear him. Remus stopped in his tracks. "I mean if we won't last much longer than another month why bother, I mean I guess it's over then." Remus said firmly not in the mood for more painful arguments. Sirius barely believed his ears. Remus couldn't end it. Could he? But Remus loved him. So much it hurts him physically to think of them being over. "W-what?" Sirius said to himself. He wanted to beg for Remus' forgiveness and beg him to take him back. But then there was defensive Sirius who ruined his plan. "You're breaking up with me because I don't want to come out? What the fuck is that?!" Sirius said rage in his voice anger picking up a quick pace. Remus could not even believe him right now. "No! I am sick of hiding and lying to our friends!" Remus spat back. Sirius crossed his arms over each other and quirked his hip out. "Oh so you're going to tell the whole school that your a werewolf too?" Sirius said sass joining the anger. "Don't be ridiculous Sirius! Of course not no one can know and you know damn well why. I just wanted to be more open." Remus said his voice growing softer by the end of the sentence. "Well that's not my fault Remus!" Sirius spoke back in a harsh tone. "I never said it was!" Remus retorted. He looked away. "Look I don't want to fight anymore." He said slowly the exhaustion filling his body. Sirius' gaze softened. He walked down the stairs to where Remus stood. "I apologise for what I said. Not because I don't mean them but because I don't want to fight with you because I care for you. And because I may have said things that hurt your feelings." Remus said staring at the floor. Sirius could barley believe his ears. Sirius had been rude to him and mean for no reason whatsoever. And Remus was apologising. How did he ever get so lucky to hold this precious kind hearted boy in his arms. "No I'm sorry, I didn't mean a lot of the things I said I was upset." Sirius said quietly going to cup Remus' cheek very slowly. Remus leaned into his touch. God he loved Sirius. He looked in those lively grey eyes and he just fell deeper into them. He still felt a bit hurt by Sirius' words. But he meant it when he said he didn't want to fight anymore. Nor say something he would regret ending in them breaking up. The most painful maybe was also that Sirius kept saying they haven't been together that long. When they have actually been together for almost 6 months. But that was something to discuss on another day when they had both gotten some well needed sleep. "Moony?" Sirius said softly. "Yeah Padfoot?" Remus said his voice deep and sweet but so tired. "If you really want to.. you can tell Lily." Sirius said quietly. Remus lit up. "Really?!" he asked in disbelief. Sirius smiled at his boyfriend. "Yes.. but just Lily okay?" Remus was ecstatic. Lily was his best friend besides the Marauders. Remus engulfed Sirius in a hug holding him tightly to his chest. Sirius pressed his cheek to Remus' chest. He felt terrible about what he had put Remus through tonight but he felt he had to. But he was glad they where making up. "Lets go get some sleep alright love? You have your big game tomorrow." Remus said stoking Sirius' hair softly in the way only Remus can. Sirius took a deep breath and nodded. They walked back to their common room. Remus asked if Sirius wanted to sleep in his bed but Sirius refused kindly telling him he couldn't a use a sleeping arm tomorrow morning for Quidditch. Remus smiled and went to brush his teeth. Sirius couldn't care less if his arm was about to come off he'd still sleep next to Remus any chance he got. Sirius just didn't want to take the risk that Regulus would be jumping up and down on his bed tomorrow morning and see something he shouldn't. Before they both got in bed they gave each other another soft sorry and a sweet kiss.

Sirius laid in bed thinking for a little while. You see James knew about them and Peter well he would believe anything not really being perceptive at all. He just thought they where incredibly close. Which they were as friends. They all were. James had known about Sirius' crush seeing as it had started so long ago. Not to mention how many times he caught Sirius staring at the taller boy. James being his best friend in the whole world. And Peter always cracking them up. But Sirius and Remus had always had something special. They seemed to understand each other on a level that no one else did. A special bond. They would always be touchy with each other hugs and Remus smacking Sirius slightly if he was being annoying during studying. And on cold nights Sirius would wonder to Remus' bed with sleepy eyes and mumble a simple excuse. And Remus would wake up cuddled up to a body. Upon finding out it was Sirius his cheeks where red with a hard blush and he would just pretend he was still asleep in order not to let go. Sirius sighed and turned over to his side giving him a perfect view of Remus snuggled up in his bed fast asleep. Seemingly without a worry. God Sirius loved him so much. He'd never said so but oh how his heart knew it was true. He knew this was the person he was meant to be with the perfect person for him. He just wasn't ready to tell Remus. Little did he know Remus felt the exact same way but was afraid to tell him.

The next morning Remus feeling pretty good. He was so excited to finally be able to tell Lily he and Sirius where actually a thing. He had wanted to tell her for so long. And maybe this would be the first step for Sirius to take so they could just be open about their relationship. Remus just wanted to show how much he loved Sirius. He wanted to stop hiding. He wanted to be able to hold his boyfriends hand in his own walking down the halls of Hogwarts. And Remus didn't know but that was all that Sirius wanted. To be open. To stop hiding from himself. To be free. But Sirius was so stuck with what to do he couldn't see clearly. Remus rolled over so he could see his boyfriend. There he was laying sleeping. Remus often wondered how Sirius could look so handsome adorable and sexy all in one. He had one hand over his pillow above his head and the other by his side laying over his almost exposed hip. God those pyjama pants Sirius slept in would be the death of him. Remus loved him. So damn much. He wanted to say those words to Sirius. But he was still afraid. Sirius could pretty much have anyone he wanted. Boys included. And Remus still couldn't believe it, even after almost 6 months. that's right almost 6 months! Remus wanted to do something really special for Sirius. He was very busy in thought about what kind of romantic gesture he could pull for Sirius when the whole Quidditch team ran into their dorm and cheering and trying to wake Sirius up. Remus pulled his covers over his shoulders feeling insecure about the scars that covered parts of his body. They picked Sirius up and he started cursing at them. "Get off me you dicks!" he yelled from where he was being held. Remus watched with an ounce of amusement. You don't want to wake Sirius Black if he doesn't want to be woken. James started holding Sirius' legs tight. "Oh come on Padfoot we have the big game today!" James said his face full of joy. "Put be down you son of a murtlap!" Sirius yelled waking Peter up. James laughed and released him and told the team to get changed and be down in the great hall in half an our. Sirius mumbled profanities under his breath. "Oh cheer up Padfoot! Save the anger for the Slytherins!" Sirius rolled his eyes and laughed playfully at his friend. He took a big stretch and Remus was sure he stopped breathing. Sirius pyjama pants hung so low on his hips already. And he wore an old band shirt that had shrunken a bit over the years. Remus got a good view of the soft tan skin under his clothing. God he just wish he could kiss and bite at the skin lightly. Sirius was mentally preparing himself for this dreadful day. He loved playing Quidditch but he just didn't feel like seeing his parents and acting a way he hated. He was so busy with himself he looked over at Remus and noticed him all but drooling at him and his body as he stretched his muscles awake. He smirked. And winked at Remus. Remus blushed bright red at being caught and damn when Sirius winks he falls to pieces. He smiled up at Sirius and buried his face into his blanket a bit more. Sirius jumped onto his bed sitting a bit further away from him than he usually would. "Good morning Moony!" He said with that gorgeous smile. "Good morning Padfoot." He said back letting the blanket fall a bit more. Peter scurried to the bathroom to to get ready for the day. "Boys I will be downstairs if you need me." Sirius smirked and looked over at James. "Oh yes Prongs if you could shine my Quidditch boots that would be great mate." James rolled his eyes "Yeah yeah Padfoot just make sure your ready on time." James said laughing giving him a slight push as he walked passed the two boys on his way to the common room.

"Alone at last." Sirius said inching closer to his boyfriend. Remus smiled up at Sirius. Sirius engulfed Remus in a warm hug. Remus sighed happily finally getting his morning hug. "As much as I love laying here I have to go get ready babe." Sirius said kissing the top of Remus' head. "I know you have a Quidditch game to win." Remus said looking up at Sirius. They smiled at each other. Remus sat up so he could put his arm around Sirius and give him a sweet kiss. "Good luck today love." Remus said as Sirius was getting up from his bed. "You'r coming to watch though right?" Sirius said almost worried Remus wouldn't. Of course Remus would come. He always did. He would do anything to support his boyfriend. "Of course I am love you know I always do." Remus said leaning against the head of his bed with his arms crossed behind his head watching him seriously fit boyfriend. "Well get ready then don't want Prong yelling my ear off." Sirius said heading to go get ready. Remus sighed and decided to get up when he remembered he had some interesting information to tell Lily and he shot out of his bed lightning fast.

Remus walked down the stairs to the common room looking for Lily. Everyone was getting ready for the game and all the Gryffindor students where standing and waiting for everyone to go down to the great hall together. He found Lily sitting on the coach reading a book. He smiled and went to sit down next to her. "Hey Lily." Remus said happily. Lily looked up from her book to look at Remus. "Hey Remus!" She said excited to talk to him seeing as everyone was only thinking of the Quidditch game. "What are you reading?" Remus ask politely. "Oh just a novel it's not the best." "I could give you a really good one if you'd like I finished it a week ago." Remus said being able to talk about books with someone. "Oh that would be great Remus thank you." Lily said closing the other book and laying it on the table next to the big red couch. "You seem cheerful today." Lily said looking back at Remus' happy face. "Can I uhm can I talk to you in private I have to tell you something." Remus said becoming a tad shy. Lily nodded and pulled him toward the stairs to the exit of the common room. It was more quiet and there where no Quidditch fanatics yelling. "So what did you want to tell me?" Lily said excited to hear what her friend had to say and what had him so happy right now. Remus fiddled with his sweater he hoped Lily wouldn't be mad he hadn't told her sooner. "Remus just tell me." Lily said smiling up at him. "So yesterday I talked to Sirius..." Remus began and Lily rolled her eyes. She still wasn't too fond of James and Sirius. James with his irritating determination to ask Lily out no matter how many times she refused him. And Sirius just being obnoxiously annoying. Luckily they had stopped hassling Severus that made Lily more mad than anything. "I know your not too fond but just let me finish the story." Remus said smiling at Lily. "Oh alright, sorry Remus I don't mean it like that it's just the whole James situation." Lily said. "Tell me I'll shut up I promise." She said a kind smile on her lips. Remus fiddled with his sleeve a bit more getting overly anxious. Lily was such a good friend and he hoped dating Sirius wouldn't put a strain on their friendship. He sighed. "So you know I'm bi and I was telling you about a boy..." Remus started Lily just smiled and nodded for him to continue. "So I haven't been 100% honest with you.. I've been seeing this boy for almost 6 months now. We're dating and I really like him Lily." Lily's jaw went wide everything falling into place and making sense. "Oh my-" Lily said absolutely baffled. "It's Sirius, we've been dating for a while. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner but Sirius was shy and was scared to come out but he told me I could tell you yesterday so that's what I'm doing I'm so sorry Lily." Remus rambles on. He doesn't even notice the huge smile that has taken presence on Lily's face. Lily is overjoyed. She is a smart witch of course she saw the chemistry and tension between the two. She knew Remus had always cared for Sirius in a slightly different way than he had for the other two boys. And when Remus had come to her about being bisexual she had thought maybe. And lately Remus was in the library less and she had suspected. But now hearing it was true she was so happy for Remus. She flew into his arms hugging him tight. "Oh Remus that's so wonderful!" Remus smiled into the kiss. It felt so good to finally be able to tell Lily. He felt a weight life off his shoulders. He was just so happy she knew and was thrilled about it. "Remus I am so happy I mean I had my suspicions and I'd hoped because come on how you look at him after Quidditch games, but now that it's a fact. I am so so happy for you Remus." Lily said letting go of his neck and looking in his hazel brown eyes that held so much light. Remus blushed. "Thank you Lily, that means a lot to me and like I said I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner." Remus said holding her hands in his that alway seemed to be warm. "Remus it's alright I know now don't I?" Lily said understanding like she always does. They stood there talking and gushing for about a minute when they heard a ton of footsteps come down the stairs. It almost seemed to go in slow motion. The Gryffindor Quidditch team walked down the stairs in their uniforms. James walked in front of them all being the team captain. As James walked by them he looked at Lily and gave her a sweet but in James' opinion sexy smile. "Alright Evans?" He said smoothly. Lily rolled her eyes but Remus could see the slight blush coloring her cheeks. Remus was rather impressed James managed to pull that off without tumbling down the stairs. They watched as the rest of the team walked down until Sirius walked by. Remus already blushing because damn he looked so handsome in his Quidditch uniform. Then again Sirius looked handsome in pretty much anything. As Sirius walked by he looked at Remus and gave him a wink. Remus blushed even harder but didn't look away. Sirius seeing the effect he has on the boy he loves smirked at him while looking him dead in the eyes and walking down the rest of the stairs followed by two more players. Remus felt warm under his shirt. Lily smiled widely at him. "Well what do you know Sirius Black and Remus Lupin." Lily said as she elbowed Remus. He smiled so bright the blush he was sporting not really leaving yet. "Shh not too loud Lily." Remus said. Lily looked at him more intently examining his face. "Oh my god." She said. "You love him." She said. Remus stopped and just looked at her. She knew and there was no point in denying it. Remus sighed and looked down. "Yeah, yeah I do I really do Lily." He said looking at the floor still terrified of telling Sirius. "Hey that's a good thing Remus." Lily said trying to comfort her friend. "That's wonderful Remus." Remus looked up at her and frowned. "Oh you haven't told him yet.." Lily said shocked it was obvious to her how they both felt. "I'm too afraid Lils." Remus says. "What do you mean?" "I'm scared he won't feel the same way or that he just sees this as some sort of experiment and that it doesn't mean much to him." Remus said finally voicing a few of the insecurities that where drifting around in his head. Poor Remus Lily thought, did he really think that? "Remus that wink and smirk aren't just things you do if you're having a fling." Lily says reassuring him. Remus looked up at Lily. She was probably right. "Remus he would be crazy not to be totally crazy about you." Lily said smiling up at him and grabbing one of his hands. Remus smiled. "You are probably right." He said. "I'm always right." Lily said. "Come on lets go get some breakfast before the big game." Lily said and the walked down to the great hall together talking about various subjects.

Remus and Lily sat at the Gryffindor table chatting and catching up. "So you'll be sitting in the Slytherin stands?" Remus asked Lily with a little smile on his face. Lily rolled her eyes and nudged Remus with her elbow. "Not you too." Lily said as Remus messaged his elbow. "I was just kidding Lils." Remus said looking up at her. "I know Remus it's just annoying everyone seems to have an opinion on Severus." Lily said taking a sip of her tea. Unfortunately as luck would have it Wormtail heard. "Well we have our opinions on Severus don't we Remus." Peter said laughing. Remus sighed. He never condoned the behavior his three friends would show toward Remus. "Slimy git." Lily frowned why did everyone always see the bad in Severus he was a good friend. "That's not very nice Peter." Remus said beating Lily to it. "Oh come on Moony he's a slimy greasy git and we all know it." Peter said leaning toward James and Sirius. "James of course heard it. "Who's a slimy git?" He asked finishing off his toast. "Snivellus of course." Peter said a cheeky smile on his lips. James laughed loudly. "Oh he's about the slimiest." James said laughing proudly. Lily frowned. Did Potter ever shut up she thought. Sirius chimed in and they started laughing. "Oh please that hair does he even know what shampoo is?" Sirius said laughing onto James' shoulder. "Forget the shampoo has he even been introduced to the shower?" James continued. The three boys laughed some other students joining them. Remus sat looking over at Sirius with a very displeased look on his face. They had said they would stop bullying Severus so much. And Sirius. Sirius had promised to stop egging James on. He had promised Remus he was done with it and he wasn't going to do it anymore and Remus was extremely displeased with his boyfriend right now. Sirius had been acting weird for a while now and Remus had tried to ignore it or pretend it was just because he was busy. But know he didn't know what was going on and he was getting worried. In that moment even then his angry face wouldn't match Lily's by lightyears. She had her arms crossed over her chest and her beautiful face was starting to turn red. Sirius in his daze of amusement looked toward where his boyfriend was sitting. His smile dropped from his face immediately as he saw Remus' face. He didn't look happy and Sirius felt a bit guilty remembering the promise he had made to Remus when they had just started dating. He went to sip his tea eyes still on Remus. Remus looked away not in the mood to listen to Sirius' reasons for being rude and breaking a promise. He turned his attention to Lily. He could see she was about to burst. "Hey Lily just let them talk alright they're bastards." Remus said trying to calm his friend not wanting her to yell at the boys. Lily nodded and sipped the rest of her tea. Sirius jabbed James in the ribs to get him to stop laughing. If Remus wasn't happy that meant that Lily was fuming and he had rather hoped James would only get injured by Quidditch injuries. James stopped laughing when he saw Lily's upset face. He coughed awkwardly. "So what about Sniv- Severus anyway?" James asked attempting to mend what he had just broken. Lily and he had been on good terms lately. "Why is that any of your business Potter?" Lily said sharply but calmly. "I just wanted to know why you want to hang around him today of all days while you're house is playing an important Quidditch game." James said finishing the rest of his tea. Meanwhile Sirius was trying to catch Remus' eye. Remus was attempting to avoid him all together. He was thinking about what was making Sirius act so strange. And he was scared did he do something wrong? Was Sirius sick of him? His thoughts where interrupted as he heard Lily's loud voice. "I'd rather watch the stupid game with Severus than you! Your rude and a jerk James!" Lily said loudly but never shouting as she stood up and left the table. Remus wanted to go after her but he saw her walking over to where Severus was sitting so he decided to leave Lily be. "James..." Remus sighed. James rolled his eyes and just grabbed another piece of toast smearing it full of jam. "I thought things where finally going well between you too." Remus said fiddling with his tea cup too afraid to look into Sirius' eyes. Sirius frowned. He knew he had been acting distant and strange lately but he had to. His parents where going to be arriving today and he had to be on his best behavior. He was so busy with himself and the drama surrounding his family he forgot to think if Remus' feelings. He didn't even notice Remus staring at him with a painful expression. James did see though. He saw more than they both thought he did. Remus stood up and went to leave the great hall. "Where are you going?" James asked noticing his friend leave. Sirius too busy in thought looked up quickly seeing his boyfriend leave the great hall. "Library." Remus said turning to walk away. "What about the game aren't you coming to cheer us on?" James asked. Remus sighed and looked at James and back at Sirius who sat quiet but looking at him with those captivating grey eyes. "Wouldn't miss it, see you later good luck guys." Remus said with a small barely there smile on his lips. Remus walked through the halls on his way to the library. His safe heaven.

James turned to Sirius as Remus had left the great hall. "Padfoot what is going on with you two?" He asked. "You said it was going well?" James quizzed. Sirius sighed. "It is, it was it's just my parents you know stress." Sirius said, not really wanting to admit he hand't been treating Remus like he should. Like he promised himself he would. James sighed. "But your not really being nice to him." James said. "It's all just complicated okay? Can we just eat and talk about the girl?" Sirius said. Yes the girl you heard it correctly. "Right yes of course." James said not sounding too happy about it. "So her name is Desdemona Moriarty, pureblood, Slytherin, high grades particularly in potions and the dark arts so naturally your parents will think she's a hoot." James said ending his sentence with a reasonable amount of sarcasm. "Wonderful." Sirius said lifelessly. "Hey are you alright Pads?" James asked Sirius had been acting strange. He had been acting strange for a while now and it was worrying him. He was being cold to Remus. The boy he has had a crush on since first year. He wasn't excited for Quidditch but then again can you expect him to be when his parents are due to arrive any minute. "Yeah I'm fucking peachy mate!" Sirius said sarcasm dripping form his remark. Realisation hit James and his mouth fell open. "Oh my god Remus doesn't know does he?" Sirius' face fell. "No..." Sirius said softly. James looked at his best friend with his jaw open. He knew Sirius could be irrational selfish at times even and careless well that was his middle name. But how could he not tell Remus about this! Sirius just sipped his tea slowly hoping James wouldn't take it too harsh. James was pissed at Sirius so pissed how could he be so careless! He did the only thing that came into his mind seeing as he couldn't really find the right words. Sirius felt a hard smack to the back of his head. "Ouch what the fuck Prongs!" Sirius said rubbing his head. "Sirius what is the matter with you how could you not tell him!" James whisper yelled. "I tried to but it never seemed like the right time and-" Sirius was cut off by James quickly into his stupid apology. "Not the right time? Have you actually lost you'r fucking mind!" Sirius frowned knowing he had done wrong. "Sirius how do you plan to fix this? We, I made a deal with that girl she's going to be all over you all day! Pretending you two have been going out for at least two months!" James said outraged. Sirius just stared at his cup of tea. "Sirius do you actually realize what he's going to see?" Sirius stayed quiet. James sighed or Sirius was being stupid or he was just being ignorant and both options didn't bode well. James rubbed his face with his hands. "Sirius this isn't just about you and your family. You are going to hurt Moony's feelings." James started quietly not yelling anymore. He needed Sirius to know just how well serious this was. "Pads you've been going out for five months and you care for him. Maybe more than you'd like to admit. You've already been acting strange for the last few weeks. And now he's going to the game to watch you. He's there just for you and don't you dare say he's there for me too because we both know he comes to see you. He always comes to see you even when it's near the full moon or when it's pouring rain and he knows he'll get a cold. He's going to come to the game and when it's over he's going to see you with another person in you're arms not to mention it's a girl. He's going to see you kiss someone else Pads dammit." James brought his hand through his hair in frustration. "Well nothing I can do about it now." Sirius said quietly. James felt his face get red with anger how could Sirius say that? Dammit if he could just stop being so stubborn and stop acting like a dick and admit he's in love with Remus. "Sirius you could have just told him! Did you even think about that? Did that thought ever pop into you're? You could have told him and he would have understood and gone with whatever plan. But now he has no idea why your being cold and why your making out with someone else. Your gonna hurt his feelings and I'm telling you now I will not help you fix this mistake, I won't." James said finishing his tea. Sirius was shocked and at a los for words. "Look Pads your my best friend but you can't treat people like that. Especially Remus see you at the game yeah?" James said getting up and laying his hand on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius nodded and gave him a small smile. Sirius knew he had fucked up but hearing it from his best mate hurt and really made him see that what he did was wrong what had he done? Fuck what was Remus going to think? That he cheated? That he wasn't gay? Oh god what had he done?

Just then Desdemona walked over and sat next to Sirius a blush on he pale cheeks. Not the beautiful pale look that Remus had when they where laying on the Astronomy tower late at night with the chilly breeze on their skin. Holding onto each other so tight to try to keep warm. No it was a dull pale. Sirius had to admit for a girl she was pretty. Well most guys would probably think she was gorgeous. She had long black hair that went down to about her waist but she had it done in some kind of fancy braid. She had blue eyes but Sirius didn't seem to find anything in them. Just dull orbs. Her face was pretty she had a long nose but it suited her face. Her body was skinny with not many curves. Not like Remus anyway. God he was so perfect for a guy he had the most amazing ass and those thighs damn. Sirius looked at this girl he was falsely dating for the last two months. They tried to talk about how this was all going to go down and what the ground rules where. You see every time Orion and Walburga Black came to Hogwarts to see the progress of their children Sirius would ask James to help pick out a girl that might impress his parents to keep them form making him marry. He would turn cold more than he even realized hence him acting weird for the last few weeks. He would lose who he was and turn into something he didn't want to be. But when his parents came around Sirius just wanted to keep the peace a little longer. Just hold onto that a little longer. He would ask a pure blood Slytherin to pretend to be his lover and girlfriend for the remainder of his parents stay. And Regulus knew some of it he knew Sirius didn't want to wed but he didn't know about his sexuality. And he knew his brother had the reputation of a ladies man. "So are we clear on the rules?" Sirius said already not enjoying the feeling of the small hand of Desdemona in his hand. It was small it was skinny and pale and it was so cold. Nothing like Remus' hands which where large comforting and warm in his. "Yeah I guess, being clingy being crazy about one and other promote my family and be all over you. Think I can handle that." Desdemona said rubbing her thumb over Sirius' hand. Sirius tried not to cringe at the action. "Good." Sirius said without any emotion in his voice. He felt hands being brought to his shoulders. "Well well well I see my big brother has unleashed his charms on yet another Slytherin girl." Regulus said from behind him. Sirius and turned around to smile at his brother. "Morning to you too Reg." Regulus sat down next to his brother and his new girl. "You know Sirius if you like the Slytherin girls so much you should join us." Regulus said laughing. Sirius frowned. "Join us." Where had he heard that before? It did truly scared Sirius hoe Regulus spoke a lot of the time and the people he hangs around with. But Sirius just hopes he'll come to his senses. Sirius does try to show Regulus their parents way isn't the way he should be going but it's not the easiest task. "I'll stick with my fellow Gryffindors." Sirius said smiling over at what was left of the Quidditch team the rest already off to the pitch. "Hey Reg I'm walking to the pitch you coming?" Sirius said getting up. Regulus stuffed the last piece of toast in his mouth and walked along with his brother. Seeing as they where playing against each other. "And I'll see you later sweet cheeks." Sirius said giving Desdemona a real signature Sirius smirk and wink. Much to his regret.

He and Regulus walked out of the great hall. "Are you ready for mother and fathers arrival?" Regulus asked wiping off his Quidditch uniform from crumbs. "As ready as I can be I guess." Sirius said honestly. "You?" Sirius asked his younger brother. Regulus laughed. "Yes of course lets see how they are this time and how they will react to your new girlfriend." He said smirking not coming close to how Sirius smirked. How Sirius hated that word. _Girlfriend. _He hated the way it sounded. Sirius just laughed along. They walked to the Quidditch pitch together talking about the arrival of their parents and the Quidditch game at hand.

Remus sits in the stand watching his best friend and his boyfriend fly by on their brooms completely absorbed in the game. It was Gryffindor against Slytherin so tensions where naturally high. Remus liked Quidditch granted if he watched it from a far. He liked watching his friends play it. And god did he love seeing Sirius fly by. Mostly his hair would be in a bun otherwise the length of it would get in the way. But sometimes Sirius would fly by so quick that it would blow the elastic band out of his hair and his hair would flow and just frame his face in all the right ways. A thing Remus wasn't too crazy about was the violence. He hated seeing his friends get hurt and especially games against Slytherin would always be the worst. One time Sirius had been knocked off of his broom by a bludger. Nasty buggers. It had badly injured his ribs and he had spent three days in the hospital wing. Remus being the loyal and caring friend and boyfriend he is didn't once leave his side. Sirius had insisted he sleep in his own bed but Remus refused. He told Sirius he would do the same after full moons if Remus was badly hurt. And Sirius shut up immediately knowing that he indeed never left his Moony's side after a bad moon. Remus watched as Sirius had scored his second goal. Gryffindor cheered happily including Remus. Gryffindor was defiantly on it's way to winning. Just then Remus saw James swoop by very quick no doubt trying to capture the golden snitch. Remus just smiled at his friend. The game went on for a couple more minutes but Remus only had his eyes on Sirius and occasionally on James but mainly in Sirius. Remus was lost in thought of homework he still had to do when he heard a loud thud and he rushed to find Sirius. He saw Sirius flying down to the floor where someone had fallen. James! Remus had a worried look on his face as he waited for the dust to settle so he could see if his friend was okay. Suddenly everyone was cheering. James had caught the golden snitch. Then the game commentator began speaking. "James Potter had caught the golden snitch Gryffindor wins!" Everyone in the Gryffindor stands lost their minds and cheered like idiots. Remus smiled and cheered with the rest of his house. Usually after a game the students would go down onto the pitch and cheer with the rest of their house to celebrate their amazing Quidditch team. Down everyone went Remus holding his book close he had just got from the library in his hands. Remus got excited walking down the steps to the pitch. Sirius would only hug James and congratulate him. But he would wait for Remus to get there and he would be the first person he hugged. This small act is a way for Remus and Sirius to be close but not too close. It meant the world to Remus though that Sirius always waited for him to ensure Remus was the first one in his arms. Except James he was pardoned. Remus felt the excitement building in his stomach and a small blush coated his cheeks the idea of hugging Sirius just made him all happy inside. Sirius made him all happy inside. And he always looked so good after a game. All proud and maybe a tad sweaty but Remus couldn't care less if he was honest. It was a reason to hug his boyfriend in public without Sirius freaking out because he's afraid someone will find out because he's not ready to come out. Remus looked at all the ecstatic Gryffindors running onto the pitch to cheer on their team. Remus just kept a shy smile on his face looking at Sirius. Merlin he was so gorgeous so handsome he was just everything to Remus absolutely everything. He just wished he had the guts to tell Sirius he loved him because he did. More than he ever imagined was possible. Remus kept his eyes on Sirius as he continued walking over to his boyfriend. Sirius knew Remus was on his way to get his victory hug. He was so happy he had won. That they had beat Slytherin that must be a bit of a middle finger to his parents. The game was over so he decided to take his elastic band out of his hair. He brought his hand to his hair and pulled it out giving his hair a bit of a swing to both sides to get it to fall back into it's original state. Perfectly framing his handsome face laying on his shoulders falling over them with how much his hair was growing. It was very flowey as Remus called it. And his hair was thick making it look so much better. Sirius watched as he saw the boy he loved approach him. His honey colored hair laying in soft curls atop his head. Merlin he looked so cute book in his hand his scarf swung around his neck and that fucking sweater. And those pants well they where far from cute because his thighs looked near sinful in those black jeans. Sirius was going to meet Remus mid walk for his victory hug when he remembered he couldn't hug him not today. Sirius tried to keep his face straight and cold. He was going to start to look for Desdemona when suddenly she was already there. She smiled up at Sirius. "Congratulations sugar cake!" She said even fooling him with her emotion. He had made a deal for them to use the most ridiculous names for each other because if there was one thing Sirius didn't want it was for this girl to call him a name Remus calls him. That was just a step too far. Even though this whole hideous plan was going too far. Especially not telling Remus. But Sirius couldn't see that yet. He was so busy in his head he couldn't see what consequences this horrid plan had.

Desdemona leaped into his arms and hugged him tight. And then pressed her nasty sticky lips onto Sirius full and lush ones. Sirius almost cringed within himself. This was nothing like Remus' kisses and he had wished he could have kissed the boy he actually loved. But he kept kissing her heavily to make it look real. Just to impress his parents. Remus watched as Sirius shook his hair loose. And it was probably one of the sexiest things he had ever seen in his life. He tried his best not to watch him with his mouth hung open. Merlin that image would never leave his mind. It made him want to hold Sirius close and just kiss him and let his hands roam his body. Remus blushed at the naughty thought but smirked because he knew Sirius was weak when it came to him. That's when he saw a girl he didn't really know going up to Sirius and they smiled at each other. Remus' confident smile faltered a little. And then she was in his arms and that kind of hurt Remus he must admit. It was probably stupid to feel this way about a hug but it was something more to them. It was more to Remus at least. And that's when Remus' heart cracked. The girl had pressed herself against Sirius so tight and Sirius smiled at her. Fucking smiled. The way he would smile at Remus when they where joking around and laughing and being happy. They way he looked when he was about to- No. No. Please no. Remus was sure he had stopped breathing. The sight in front of his eyes absolutely shattered him. If he felt his heart crack before it was breaking into a million pieces now. Sirius and the girl where _kissing_. And not just a peck but they were really going at. Sirius had his hands all over the girl. And Remus honestly could not feel his lungs take in anymore air. Like he tried to catch his breath but no air would take residence in his empty lungs. He feels everything and nothing at the same time he feels his legs are about to give out. He can barely see the pair sucking each others faces off his eyes are so filled with tears. Remus somehow finds the nerves to his limbs and starts walking back to the castle. He's walking faster and faster and then he is sprinting tears falling from his face. He makes a straight line for the Gryffindor common room being careless while running up the stairs not being careful to see if the staircases where moving or not. He spit the password out and ran through the door. Not even watching where he was going tripping up the stairs up to his room shared with James, Peter and _Sirius_. His head and his heart hurt. He didn't even know what he felt. He stood there in their room. And he just lost. Remus fell onto his bed and cried hard. I grabbed his pillow to see if any comfort would radiate off of it. It smelt like Sirius and Remus threw it onto the floor angry tears streaming down his face. He picked up the pillow and kept hitting it on his bed post until feathers started pouring out of it. He let the pillow fall on the ground. Remus had barely any energy left in his body. He clamped onto his bed post hoping that that would give him strength. But nothing could really provide any strength for him at the moment. He didn't know what to think or what was going on in his head. It was all one blur one big painful blur. All he knew was he couldn't be in this room he couldn't be near Sirius or anything that smelled like him. Remus grabbed his backpack that was all ready for the next day. He grabbed hold of it and his new book and ran out of his bedroom. Where he had so many good memories. And some bad like after full moons. He just couldn't breathe and he needed to be anywhere but here. He ran out and walked down the stairs and stood there in a empty common room. Everyone was still celebrating their victory on the Quidditch pitch. Remus debated going to the shrieking shack. But he decided that that wouldn't be the best idea. He stood there next to the fire it providing him no heat whatsoever. Tears running down his face faster than waterfalls. He couldn't breathe. He decided the best thing to do was to flee to Lily's room. He didn't want anyone see him cry. Anyone. He especially didn't want to see Sirius. If he did he would probably fall to his knees and cry till there was no more moister left in his painful and hurt body. He was angry at Sirius so very angry. He didn't know the next step. He didn't know anything right now. All he knew was he was hurting painfully. And he wanted it to stop but it wouldn't. He decided he would just head up to Lily's room before anyone saw him in this state. He walked into her room and looked around for her bed. Remus put his bag down next to the bed and next to it his new book. He sat on Lily's bed carefully. He slowly pulled off his shoes and slowly laid down on Lily's bed. And then more tears came. And they didn't seem to stop or get less. He cried and cried and cried into Lily's pillow feeling guilty he was making a mess of them. He felt so empty so hurt. It almost felt worse than the pain of a full moon. It almost hurt that much. And usually after a full moon Sirius would be there for him. More tears rolled down his cheeks as he realised Sirius wasn't going to make him feel better this time.


	2. Be Honest With Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summery - Sirius and Remus have been dating for quite a while in secret. They decided to keep it a secret for a while. But they have been dating steady for a good five months now almost six to be more accurate, without an issue. Remus wants to tell people and be open. He doesn't want to have to hide more than he already does thanks to his furry little problem. What happens when he proposes it to Sirius?

Lily stood together with the crowd. She walked toward all the Gryffindors who stood there celebrating in pure happiness. She walked up to Marlene who was standing talking to a few other Ravenclaws who decided to show their support. She was walking when she saw something that shocked her. Lily looked with wide eyes when she saw Sirius kissing another girl. Her jaw almost broke off as she watched the pair. Kissing and taking breaks from all the kissing and smiling at each other and then continuing to kiss. Lily couldn't believe her eyes. How Sirius held her hands and waist. It looked so real it seemed so real. She was appalled and shocked.

That's how Frank and Alice would look at each other at the three broomsticks in Hogsmeade. Smiling at each other kissing. Touching each other between sips of Butterbeer. Lily honestly couldn't fully wrap her head around the sigh she saw. What did this mean for Remus. Oh merlin Remus. Lily was so taken aback by what she had seen that she forgot how this would be for Remus.

Lily had frantic eyes looking everywhere for Remus. She looked through the crowds trying to look for her dear friend. It was so busy out on the Quidditch pitch and Lily couldn't fine Remus anywhere. That means he'd probably seen. Oh merlin. Poor Remus. She was so angry with Sirius. How dare he. How dare he hurt her friend. Flashes of Remus' happy face raced through her head. How happy he looked while telling Lily that he was dating Sirius. She had hardly seen a smile that big on his face. Lily kept looking with worried eyes where she might find her friend. Lily kept asking around if they had seen Remus. Then she thought if Remus had seen it would mean he would be devastated and he doesn't like being around people when he's sad.

Lily made her way over to the Gryffindor common room. He wasn't sitting there reading in front of the fire. She took a deep breath and walked up the stairs of the boys quarters. She found the room of the Marauders to be open. She walked in slowly thinking Remus would be there. "Remus.." Lily spoke quietly. When she was fully in the room she saw that all the beds where empty and there was no sign of Remus. What she did see was a mess of white feathers on the floor. Oh Remus. Lily thought she frowned.

Lily grabbed her wand and directed all the feathers in the direction of the trash can. She saw Remus' bag was gone. Lily leaned down to grab his pillow off the floor that barely had any stuffing left in it and put it on his bed. She walked out of the boys room knowing exactly where Remus would have gone. Sometimes he would come to her in her dorm when she felt sad and they would sit and talk and eat chocolate and drink warm tea. And the girls Lily shared a room with where alright with it.

They loved Remus. Lily slowly walked up the stairs to the girl quarters. She heard Remus before she saw him. Lily heard painful sad cries come from her dorm room. It hurt her heart to hear her friend in such pain. She carefully opened the door. "Remus?" She said just above a whisper not to scare him off.

When Lily saw the full sight of her friend her heart broke a little. There was Remus laying on her bed clutching a bunch of pillows to his chest as if they would make up for the pain he felt. Lily slowly walked over to the bed. "Remus darling.." She started. "L-li-lily.. H- he.." Remus tried but Lily just shushed him. "It's okay Rem, I saw I saw it all you don't have to explain." She said coming to rest her hand on the bedpost of her bed. This seemed to make Remus cry even harder. Lily didn't know what to do so she did all she could think of. She climbed into the bed behind Remus hugging him close to her body. Not giving a damn about her shoes on the blanket. She saw Remus had even thought of that, even in this state he was in. His shoes neatly next to the bed. Spooning the hurt boy in her arms a few tears left her eyes. It hurt her to see someone so pure and someone she loved with all her heart so broken. Remus' body shook while he cried. He was in so much pain. He was just broken he felt so broken. Lily held onto Remus as tight as she could to give him some kind of comfort. "H-how co-could he?" Remus cried holding onto Lily's small but strong arms. "Shh Rem it's alright just try to breathe it's okay you don't have to talk." Lily said into his soft hair. Attempting to calm and comfort the taller boy in her arms.

Lily lays her head next to Remus' against his soft hair. She feels pretty useless. Her friend is in so much pain and she can't really do much about it. She keeps feeling Remus shake in her arms from crying. Lily starts to hum a lullaby melody her mother used to sing to her when she was a child. And that's how they stay for a long while. Lily humming to a crying Remus in her arms. After a while Remus is so overcome with emotion that he just falls asleep out of utter exhaustion. Lily notices his breathing becoming calmer. She slowly, careful not to wake Remus up in the process gets up form behind him. She covers Remus up in her blankets knowing how cold he gets. She kneeled down to see his face. He looked so peaceful sleeping as if Sirius hadn't just broken her heart. As if he wasn't shattered. Lily sighed and got back up to her feet knowing what she had to do. Lily gave Remus a kiss on the top of his messy hair and quietly walked out of the room.

She immediately set out to find Sirius. He had some serious explaining to do. When Lily made it back into the common room she barely recognized it. It was insane. Everyone was yelling and talking loudly. She understands everyone is happy they won the game but right now she didn't have time for celebration. She went to go find Alice and Mary that Remus was in their room before they found him themselves and freaked out or something. Lily tried to make her way through the crowd everyone drinking butter beer and celebrating happily. She found Alice. Stuck to Frank by the lips. Lily couldn't help but think how cute they where together. Lily stood a tad awkwardly waiting for them to stop exploring each other mouths. Although they didn't seem to show signs of stopping any time soon. So Lily patted Alice on the back. Alice turned around much to her surprise.

"Hey Lils! I've been looking for you." Alice smiled happily with her winning smile. "Hey Alice, Frank." Lily said giving him a nod and a knowing smile. He smiled back shyly. "And are you proud?" Alice said nudging Lily's arm. Lily raised her eyebrow "Proud of what?" "James caught the snitch! He's todays big hero!" Alice said happily. "Hey." Frank said crossing his arms. "Frank you did a lovely job as the keeper alright love?" Alice said turning back to her boyfriend and planting a kiss on his cheek. He smiled. "And that's supposed to make me proud how?" Lily said still not really understanding what her friend meant. "So he's your bow everyone knows he pines over you." Lily laughs yes James Potter and his persistent ways. "Right." Is all Lily says. "Everyone has been whispering about you two apparently he wants to make a move tonight." Alice said sounding more excited than Lily would ever be. "And then we'll all have a bow and can go on a thripple date in Hogsmeade next weekend!" Alice beamed getting more excited by every sentence she spoke. "Wow wait what?" Lily said missing some vital details. "Well yeah Frank and I, you and James and Sirius and Desdemona." Alice said. Lily tried not to let her smile fall at the mention of Sirius and his "new girlfriend".

"Oh yeah of course." Lily said. "So where are James and Sirius anyway?" Lily asked hoping they would know where they where especially the latter. "Oh well they went to change before the party." Alice said kindly. "Oh alright well I'd better go talk to James then." Lily said to Alice with a smile. "Oh by the way Alice Remus is in our room he isn't feeling well at all, the boys will be too noisy tonight so I said it was alright that he stay in my bed for the night that alright?" Lily asked. "Oh poor Remus he's missing all the fun! But yeah that's fine he's always welcome." Alice said smiling. "Alright thank you Alice see you in a bit yeah?" Lily said to her friend giving her a hug Alice just smiled and nodded turning her attention back to Frank. Lily was thankful Alice didn't question anything. Being so focussed on Frank. But they where adorable and made an amazing couple. Lily walked straight toward the dorms. As she approaches the room she feels the anger in her body again. She was furious with Sirius. How could he have done that to Remus. She stands in front of the door and takes one more deep breath. Lily pushes the door open and stands proudly in the doorway.

She sees James standing with no shirt on clearly just showered. Well he didn't look bad with his shirt off. Lily shook her head, not the time. She searched for Sirius who was laying on his bed in nothing but boxers and Desdemona not particularly dressed either. One thing that could be seen as good news in this situation was that they where sitting pretty far away from each other not really looking like they were going to do anything. Sexual. If you get my drift.

"Evans?" James said honestly shocked to see his crush in his own room while he was half naked. "You foul, disgusting son of a murtlap." Lily said looking at Sirius with eyes that could have incinerated him bringing her wand to point at him. "What do you think I've done now Evans?" Sirius said with his innocent smile. Lily wasn't having it. "Don't give me that crap Black you know exactly what you did!" Lily yelled at him. James just stood there he had absolutely no idea what was happening. Desdemona raised her hands in defense "Wow Lily chill alright I don't know what your so mad about but-" She started. "No you don't that's why I advise you to keep your mouth shut." Lily said with venom in her voice. Desdemona looked at Sirius and back at Lily and James. "Look I was just-" "Getting dressed?" Lily asked. "Listen sister-" "No why don't you take a good listen if you are not out of this dorm in the next 10 seconds I'll hex you now get a goddamn move on." Both Sirius and James where shocked to say the least. Lily Evans threatening someone? And then it all started to click for James.

She knew. He had wondered where Remus had gone off to. Oh god Remus had seen. Sirius had known from the start but didn't want to open the discussion in front of Desdemona.He still refused to come out of the closet. Both boys watched shocked as Desdemona scurried to get the majority of her clothes back on. And Lily holding a wand to her tracing her every move. "3 seconds." Lily said meaning every single word she had said. Sirius gulped there was no way he was going to get out alive. "You don't want me to go out there naked do you?" Desdemona asked laughing. "It wouldn't be the first time now would it" Lily said with a fake kind smile. Sirius would have laughed loudly at that if he wasn't terrified of Lily. Desdemona huffed and left the dorm. Lily closed the door and locked it. She pointed her wand back to Sirius.

"You better have damn good explanation and you better give it to me fast Black." Lily said her green eyes filled with fury. Sirius gulped visually making Lily smirk. There was no escaping now. "Alright alright just lower your wand there is no need for that." Sirius said getting up walking toward Lily slowly." Lily rolled her eyes. "Do you guys mind putting something on? I didn't come here to puke." Lily said looking toward a painting that hung on the wall. "Oh right sorry you startled us." James said pulling his shirt over his head so fast he could have gotten whiplash. Sirius rolled his eyes. He walked over to his trunk where he had some clothes laid out. He swept one off of the trunk and pulled it over his head. So fucking dramatic. When his AC/DC shirt was on he crossed his arms and looked at Lily. "Don't look at me like that I'm not the one in the wrong here." Lily said crossing her arms over her chest as Sirius did. And Sirius' confident look seemed to fade.

"I am waiting." Lily went on. James just looked at his best friend waiting for the same explanation. He knew Sirius just wanted to please his parents to keep the peace. But he knew how Sirius felt about Remus. How he had always felt about Remus. He just didn't understand why he didn't just tell Remus, he would have understood. Sirius looked down at his feet. Two sets of eyes staring at him waiting for an explanation he barely knew himself. "You better start talking or I'm going to transfigure you into a shoe brush!" Lily spoke louder. "Okay!" Sirius yelled back. ""Okay." He sighed. "You better start at the beginning and not leave anything out." Lily spoke softer now never dropping her wand. "Alright well you might as well know. Remus and I have been going out for the past almost 6 months." "We know." James and Lily said in unison looking at each other. "You only know a day!" Sirius said raising an eyebrow at Lily. "And who's fault is that?" Lily said back.

"Well yesterday we were looking at the stars on the Astronomy tower we do that when we want to be alone together. Remus.. He wanted to tell everyone we were dating." Sirius began. "As I could imagine he would after almost 6 months." Lily said. James nodded agreeing with her. "He wanted to come out as a couple and I... I just wasn't ready. I'm not ready. So we fought. I said he could tell you about us." "Which he did." Lily said dropping her wand. "It still doesn't explain why you where kissing someone else on the field in front of everyone." Sirius sighed. "I know my parents where coming to watch. You know how they are bunch of pure blood assholes. They would never be okay with me dating a guy. Being gay. And someone who isn't a pure blood." "Gotta love family." Lily said bitter knowing how those horrible pure blood fanatic families where. She almost felt bad for Sirius growing up like that. Lily put her wand back into her robe. "So every time they come for a visit. James helps me find a girl who is up to my family's standards and pretend to date her for a few days." "What?! Potter you knew about this you absolute-" Lily began but she got cut off by Sirius. "Lily he only did it because I asked him. My parents know him. He didn't know that I hadn't told Remus until this morning." Sirius said quickly.

Lily's look seemed to soften. "I've helped him with it before he started dating Remus. Like Sirius said I didn't know that he hadn't told him because it's a fucking stupid idea not to. I told you to just tell him Padfoot!" James said being disappointed this being the thing he was afraid of. Sirius sighed yet again. "And then what?" Lily continued wanting to know the whole story right then and there. "Well we chose her pure blood, pure blood family, good at dark magic, Slytherin and well female. All qualities my parents appreciate and accept. I pretend to go out with her for a few days and then everything goes back to normal. And she knows like I told her she knows it's not real." Lily felt the anger come up yet again. "She knows and Remus doesn't?! What the hell Sirius!" She yelled again. How could he be this careless. "I know I fucked up okay." "No I don't think you do. Remus is broken hearted. He ran up to the castle, murdered his pillow and fled to my dorm." Lily said softer not wanting anyone to hear their conversation.

Sirius snapped his head up to look at Lily talking about Remus. He hadn't seen his reaction he had been snogging Desdemona and when he looked back to where Remus had been standing he was gone. "I found him in my room on my bed crying his goddamn eyes out! You hurt him Sirius. You hurt him bad." Lily said sounding sad herself at the last words. "He was crying?" Sirius asked so soft it barely felt like he had said anything at all. "Believe it or not Sirius he cares a great deal about you, why I will never understand. He was balling Sirius I can't even imagine how he feels. I couldn't do anything for him he could hardly speak! I held him as he cried himself to sleep!" Lily whisper yelled.

Sirius felt pain in his heart. Fuck what had he done. He never thought it would hurt Remus that bad. His poor baby crying himself to sleep. "I want to talk to him." Sirius said heading for the door. "You will not!" Lily said shoving him back. "He just fell asleep and if you care for Remus at all you will let him get some rest." Lily said angry. "But he has to come sleep here." Sirius said. "No. He will be staying with me in my bed tonight." Lily said pushing past Sirius to Remus' trunk grabbing his uniform he would need for the next day.

"What are you doing?" James asked quietly." Without looking up Lily answered. "Grabbing the clothes and things he needs for tomorrow morning. He needs a break from you both." Lily said holding all the neatly folded clothes in her full arms. "Let me help you." James asked. "No thank you Potter." Lily said with a sly smile. "Wait Lily please.." Sirius started. "No Sirius you hurt him. Bad. You may talk to him tomorrow. And you better fix it Black I wasn't kidding when I said I'd turn you into a shoe brush." Lily said as she walked to the door giving Sirius one last glance. "I bid you both a good night." And with that Lily was off.

Sirius sighed deep and fell back onto his bed filled with a ton of emotions swimming around inside of his head. James just stared at the door Lily had left threw just seconds prior. He just needed a minute to compose himself. "She's right Sirius. This isn't good not at all." Sirius grew angry. "What the hell is that supposed to mean Prongs!" Sirius said making his voice louder. "I just mean that this is bad Sirius, you hurt Moony and you could have avoided it by just being honest with him and telling him. And now he might withdraw from us and Peter will be asking all kinds of questions." James spoke calmly. He didn't want to make Sirius feel worse but he needed Sirius to know that this had consequences for everyone. "I couldn't! You know that." Sirius shot back defensively. James sighed knowing his best friend and knowing that in this state he was going to shoot back with everything he had. "Look I don't want to get on your case too much Lily did enough of that I just hope you realize this changes things for all of us." Sirius not calming down feeling attacked. "You think I should have told them because I could?" Sirius said standing up and folding his arms over one another. "Yes I do." James said pulling on his shoes, so he could attend the party thrown for them down in the common room. "I find that hysterical coming from you, seeing as you never tell Evans how you feel a tad hypocritical no?" Sirius said the sass seeping through his words. James hates when Sirius gets like this. Like he forgets he's talking to a friend and not his parents. And he hates when he brings Lily into things. "Leave Lily out of this she is a sweet person and not a pawn for you to use when you are angry." James said ever the relaxed look on his face. "Oh sure James Potter can just do whatever he wants without getting criticised. But I can bitch about my friend to my hearts content!" Sirius spoke attempting to sound like James.

"That's not what I'm saying. You kept going on about how much you didn't want to come out or at least come clean about dating Remus to the friend group and now Peter is going to have all types of questions." James said getting more aggravated by the second. "Oh so now it's my fault because I don't want to come out? Wauw that low for you James." Sirius said putting his hand to his hip. James ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He should have said nothing, but he couldn't and he knew that damn well. "Again not what I said. I'm just trying to be a good friend." James said walking toward his best friend. Sirius scoffed. "Some friend you are." Is all Sirius says with a huff before he's turning around and sitting on his bed with a thump. "Well I guess so I'm going down have a good night Sirius." James said annoyed as he walked off to the common room. Sirius only turned his head back to the doorway where James had stood just seconds ago. He knew his best mate had left but somewhere he hoped he'd still be there.

Sirius sighed and pulled his legs to his knees. There where so many emotions occupying his mind. He felt terrible for being rude to James. And don't even get him started on Remus. What had he done to his soft soul. His precious prince. But Remus would understand wouldn't he? It's Remus of course he would. Remus closed his eye thinking. Pondering and wrecking his mind of how to approach Remus tomorrow morning. Sirius didn't feel at all like a party but he felt he owed it to the team. He was part of the team after all. He made himself decent and went to walk to the door when he thought of something. He walked over to Remus' bed and grabbed at the pillow that was still in tact and smelt it. Inhaling the deep sent of the man he loved. It smelt like everything good and happy. Like chocolate and parchment but also like cookies and his sweet cologne and the shampoo he uses that makes his hair so light soft and feathery. He inhales deeply once more and then heads down to the party trying to forget how empty it feels without Remus by his side.

When Remus wakes up the next day he looks at his surroundings. It seems peaceful. And then everything from the day before comes rushing into his mind. And the ache in Remus' heart is heavy and painful. He stuffs his head back into the pillow not wanting to deal with the day. He had no desire to go to class. And for Remus that's saying a lot. He pulls the covers further up his body to be met with a groan. "Rem stop my blankets." He hears a very sleepy Lily mumble. It had completely slipped his mind that he slept in Lily's room last night. "Sorry Lils." Remus got out from under the blankets thanking Merlin that he was still in his clothes to avoid awkwardness. He went to get up and run out of the room. The poor girls what a shock it must have been to see him sleeping in Lily's bed. "Remus you don't have to go I grabbed your school robes for today. The girls will still be sleeping for half an hour, go take a shower and change okay?" Lily said turning over in her bed and hugging the pillow Remus had been sleeping on. Remus didn't want to wake the other girls so he nodded grabbed his clothes once he had spotted them and walked toward the bathroom.

Once he was in he locked the door behind himself and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked horrible he thought. He had big dark grey bags under his eyes. His eyes where red and puffy form all the crying he had been doing. His face just looked pale and his hair flat against his head. He looked away from the mirror deciding that it would only make him sad if he kept looking. He got out of his clothes and stepped under the shower. He let the warm water roll off his back and warm him. Every memory he seemed to have of Sirius clouded his mind and it made his heart feel heavy. He didn't even know how he felt about it all except he felt absolutely shattered. But he loved Sirius. He knew he did. Every cell in his body knew that his heart only beated for the dark haired boy. He felt the tears roll down his cheeks. As he thought of the way Sirius had looked at the other girl. Everything inside Remus wanted it to be fake. But he had looked at her so real. The way he looked at him. A look the thought Sirius only ever gave him. Remus grabbed the soap and decided to wash himself quickly not to bother the other girls even more by making them wait for their turn. He dried himself and slipped on his clothes. He looked in the mirror one last time not being too impressed with the way he looked. This would have to do for today he thought as he put his tie on honestly not caring wether it was properly done or not. He threw his robe on and brought his hand through his sandy curls once more before he decided to give up.

Lily had now gotten up and was getting everything ready for the day as were the other girls. Remus just sat on Lily's bed reading the book he had picked up until the others where ready. He tried to disappear into the book as he usually would. It worked a little. Not as it usually did but it worked well enough. When the girls had left for breakfast Lily sat next to him on the bed. "You coming to breakfast Remus?" She asked trowing her hair to the side. Remus closed his book not wanting to be rude to Lily's hospitality. "I think I'm just going to go to the library." He said looking at his neat shoes. "Remus you have to eat something." Lily said putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'm not hungry anyway Lily." He said looking up at her at last. Lily frowned. "Once piece of toast couldn't hurt." Lily started but she knew he wouldn't go into breakfast because of Sirius. "What if I bring it to you? Some tea and some toast with marmalade? Just how you always like it?" Lily tried.

Much to her pleasure Remus smiled and nodded. She smiled brightly at her friend and stood up. "Lily?" She turned quickly to look at Remus. "Thank you for everything, and I'm sorry." Remus said softly. He felt a bit guilty for asking so much of Lily not used to people wanting to help him. Lily gave hims a sympathetic smile and leaned to kiss his hair. "Remus don't apologize, I want to help that's what friends are for, I love you." Lily said as she smiled at Remus. That made Remus smile and tears gather in his tired eyes. "Meet you in the library?" Lily asked and Remus just nodded fed up with crying. With that Lily walked out of the dorm and hopped down the stairs to breakfast.

Remus decided to aparate to the entrance of the library in case he would see Sirius. He couldn't see him just yet, not before his morning tea anyway. He walked into the library his feet dragging ever so slightly. Something he constantly clocked Sirius for. He just didn't seem to have the strength to lift his feet a bit more off the ground. He scoured the book shelves a bit feeling a bit better to be surrounded by books and quiet. He found a book he had read to Sirius and quickly walked over to another shelf. He grabbed a potions book he had already read but decided it couldn't hurt to revise it once more seeing as it was the first lesson they had today. He wasn't reading too long before Lily walked in with a cup of hot tea and two slices of toast incase Remus was hungry and wanted more to eat. She was so kind and caring Remus thought. "Order up." Lily said quietly they where in the library after all. Remus smiled and grabbed the cup of tea he had anxiously been wanting the moment he opened his eyes. He brought the tea to his lips, blew on it softly and took a sip. As the liquid ran down his throat into his body he felt a bit warmer. Not how it should be but it helped a tad. But that's thing it helped a bit. But Remus felt so torn apart by what happened that the small things that would make him smile, now had his plumb mouth in one straight line. Lily sat down next to Remus and set the plate with toast next to him. Remus looked at it and gave it a disapproving look. "Please just have one Remus, just one?" Lily pleaded knowing he would need all the strength he could get today. Remus sighed but complied. Remus took the toast between his fingers and took a bite. It wasn't as horrible as he had thought but it was far from pleasant. "See yum." Lily said smirking. Remus rolled his eyes at her but finished the toast knowing very well himself he needed strength. Especially is he was going to face Sirius in about an hour. "Yes it's more pleasant than I had thought it would be." Remus said truthfully. They chatted a bit about their classes while Remus drank his tea and finished both pieces of toast. Surprising himself he was hungrier than he had thought. "So do you think your going to be alright today?" Lily asked. They hadn't talked about the events of the night before yet. Remus sighed the pain in his heart flaring up. "I mean I'll be your side all day but, are you going to be okay with Sirius? You sit at the same table in potions." Lily said starting to get really worried about her friend. Remus smiled at her he thanked his lucky stars he had her as a friend she had such a golden heart. "Lily I'll be alright. Yes it sucks and it hurts and Sirius and I have to talk. But I'll be alright far from easy and very painful but I'll be alright." Remus spoke softly and honestly. He had no idea how it would feel to see the boy he had fallen in love with. He did think he was going to be okay. But he would be in for a nasty shock. "Just tell me if it gets too much and I'll excuse us with the flu or something." Lily said grabbing Remus' hand in her own. The looked at each other and smiled. They were always there for each other and always would be. And this horrible event only brought them closer together. Sirius was nervous all morning. In the dorm before breakfast. At breakfast spilling his tea, dropping his fork on the floor. He hadn't seen Remus at breakfast and it worried him. Was he alright? Was he not coming to class or did he just not want to see Sirius. Was he angry at Sirius? Sirius felt the nerves fill his entire body. He was tapping foot as he sat in his assigned seet in potions class. "Sirius cut it out it's getting annoying." James said looking through his notes as class was about to start. "Sorry." Sirius mumbled. Remus had never been late to class where was he? "Padfoot stop that before I shove your head in a cauldron." James said annoyed. He had been fidgeting all morning and he understand but it didn't make it any less annoying. Sirius tore his eyes from the door frame to look at his friend. "I'm sorry just nervous." He said looking worried. "It will be alright just be gentle alright he needs some space don't just pounce on him." James said Sirius nodded knowing his friend was right. All he wanted to do though was hug his sweet boyfriend the minute he would walk through the door. He wants, no needs to talk to Remus. He needs to know if they're alright. He loves that boy with his whole heart. He was waiting so anxiously to catch a glimpse of those dark blonde honey curls he goes mad for. Waits for him to enter the class. Although when he does see him, he wish he hadn't. The sight breaks his heart. His hair was messy as if he hadn't done it at all. His eyes where still red and slightly puffy and they didn't look excited for class like they usually did, they just seemed dull. Not to forget the huge bags under his gorgeous hazel eyes. He looked absolutely exhausted like after a full moon. Only even more sad. All that aside Sirius still thought he looked like the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. His tie was even on sloppy. Remus Lupin sloppy? What have I done Sirius thought. What had he done to his perfect lover. What had he caused? Remus and Lily walked in and took their seats opposite of James and Sirius and the tension was thick and painful. James shifted uncomfortably on his stool. "Alright Evans?" He said. Being more nervous saying it now than he ever had before. "Fine thank you." Lily said with no emotion in her voice. Sirius knew he shouldn't be looking at Remus this much but he just can't help himself. He looks so tired and so sad. God he's such an idiot. As the lesson continues Remus doesn't look up at Sirius once. He is terrified of the idea that he should look into those illuminating grey eyes. Those eyes that brought him comfort and love. Those piercing eyes that he didn't seem to get out of his head. Sirius just kept staring at Remus. He couldn't stop. He just wished Remus would look him in the eyes. He would do anything to see Remus' eyes. To see that sunshine smile. Anything. Sirius was quiet too. Not being able to speak or make jokes seeing his lover so sad and hurt, by his doing. The day went by slowly. As all the students took their seats in transfiguration Remus sat down in the back of the class which was a tad unusual. He didn't notice where he was sitting before it was too late and he saw the girl from yesterday sitting in front of him gossiping and giggling with another Slytherin. Remus mentally groaned. Lily gave him an apologetic smile as she sat down next to him. Remus sighed and got his books and notes out. He just wanted to focus on class and make sure he was getting everything he needed too. Halfway through the lesson Lily was buys talking to Marlene who sat on the other side of Lily. Remus just wrote down everything he deemed important to remember and making his assignment. As he was working though he kept hearing the two girl talking and giggling. Remus tried to listen a tad better. "I mean he is so damn dreamy!" Desdemona said squealing softly to her friend. "I can't believe your dating Sirius Black!" the other girl said. "I know god that hair." She said swooning over Sirius. Just as Remus would do when he saw his boyfriend. Oh well ex boyfriend he thought. Remus felt so uncomfortable listening but now that he was he couldn't stop. He cringed as the girls kept gushing about the man he loved. He felt his heart hurt. And he felt his eye prickle with tears. They didn't fall though they just stung his eye painfully. He was willing himself to calm down and get back to work on his homework. "Oh and good in bed my god." Desdemona said. Remus wasn't sure if he had heard that correctly. The other girl just giggled. "I mean he's as big as they all say he is, didn't disappoint." She went on. "Shhh don't talk so loud McGonagall will hear you." Remus dropped his quill onto the table. His face turning a shade of white. He felt sick. He felt so ill. He felt as if he might throw up his insides. His head started spinning and now the tears started to fall. He needed to get out of this classroom. Sirius had had sex with her? He didn't understand. He was hurt and. He felt so ill. He pulled himself from his seat almost tripping in the process, and storming out of the classroom. He ran as fast as he could toward the bathroom. He was pretty sure he was going to hurl. Back in the classroom Sirius turned around confused when he saw Remus storm out of the classroom in a rush. He looked at Lily who seemed just as confused as he was. He scanned the classroom for what could have Remus storm out. It wasn't him. James had advised him to stop staring and give Remus the space he needed. Sirius was annoyed but he agreed. That's when he saw Desdemona sitting in front of where Remus had been sitting. He dropped his head onto his desk wanting to hit himself hard with a metal hammer. Desdemona was probably gloating about her being with Sirius like they had originally planned and talked about. But now things where different but he had never told her. Communication really wasn't his best asset. And he couldn't tell her without her knowing he was gay. Professor McGonagall looked confused as well. "I'll go see if he's okay." Lily said already standing by the door. Sirius just banged his head against the table slightly being so angry with himself. Was his Moony okay? Was he ill? What had he hear Desdemona say? Oh god why had he been so stupid. Lily walked over to the closest mens room and walking in without a care in the world. That's where she saw Remus leaning against the bathroom stall door breathing heavily and struggling to do so, crying quietly. Lily frowned at her friend. "Remus it's me.." Lily started as Remus' head shot up not wanting it to be Sirius. Terrified it would be him, and so relieved it wasn't. He calmed slightly seeing it was Lily and nodded. "What happened?" Lily asked. Remus shut his eyes tightly tears seeping out through them and rolling down his pale cheeks. "He... He ha- had-" The images of Sirius and himself laying in bed together naked tormented him. How wonderful and handsome he had looked that night. That night Remus had found so special. And then the mental image of him in bed with someone else... Remus could feel it all at once the bile coming up his throat. He rushed into the stall as he emptied his guts into the toilet. It was so powerful and painful. He just let the tears fall as any food source left his body in the most horrible way. Lily stood there with he hands covering her mouth. Remus was so distraught his body could feel it. She rushed over to get him some toilet paper and kneeled down next to him, offering him a piece of toilet paper. When it was over Remus sat on the bathroom floor absolutely exhausted. "Maybe the two slices of toast where too enthusiastic." Remus spoke softly with the smallest of smiles on his face. He took the piece of toilet paper Lily had offered and wiped his mouth and his tongue. Lily just gave him a tight smile. He felt disgusted and gross. He hates throwing up so much. "What happened in there Rem?" Lily asked carefully. Remus was sure there was nothing left in his body to throw up so he told Lily. "Apparently he had sex with her as well." He said just closing his eyes tightly trying not to cry again. "Oh Rem I'm so sorry." Lily said quietly. She leaning her head on his shoulder. Remus then leaned his head a top hers, and they sat like that for a little while. Lily obviously knew Sirius hadn't slept with the girl but this was Sirius' responsibility now. He had to make it up to Remus on his own terms. "Come on let's go rinse out your mouth and get some tea, how does that sound?" Lily said excitedly. Remus looked at her. Thanking her for her effort mentally. He nodded and they got up off the cold stone floor. The cold seeping into their bones without them even noticing. Hand in hand they walked to the Gryffindor common room. That night Remus does come down for dinner, he doesn't want to bring too much attention to himself either seeing as he had missed breakfast already. He sat in between Lily and Alice. Lily had told Alice Remus was having some difficulties lately and Alice being the caring soul she is was fine with anything. She loved everyone for who they were and she was very fond of Remus. Remus sat a bit more comfortable thanks to Lily and Alice. But Sirius wasn't far from him and that made him uncomfortable. Remus knew they would have to talk eventually he wished later than sooner but he knew they had to. He could feel Sirius' eyes on him the whole time. He sipped on his tea and only eating some fruit. He really didn't want to throw up again he hates that more than anything. He stayed quiet only laughing a bit at what Lily and Alice where talking about. Sirius just couldn't help staring at Remus. God he was gorgeous. Sitting there sipping his tea pretending to listen to what the girls where saying. Just smiling in return. Sirius just wanted to hug him. He looked so tired. But always beautiful. He needed to talk to Remus. He needed to explain everything and make sure they were alright. Sirius was so busy thinking of how best take Remus aside so they could talk, he was barely eating or listening to James talk. James saw his best friend stare at his other friend. Idiot James thought. "Yes and that was the moment our friend Padfoot just completely started ignoring us because of his own stupidities." He said leaning toward Sirius looking at him with a cold look. Peter just snickered. "Earth to Sirius." James went on. "Hey you bloody moron I'm talking to you!" he whisper yelled into Sirius' ear, not wanting to disrupt the whole table. Sirius turned to him with an annoyed look on his face. "What!" He hissed. James looked to see that Peter was animatedly talking to Frank. James sighed. "Just ask him if you can talk Padfoot." He said looking into his friends grey glowing eyes. Sirius looked down at his hands. "What if he doesn't want to talk to me?" Sirius said sounding almost insecure. "Pads listen you care a lot for him don't you?" Sirius nodded. "You want him to be yours yes?" Sirius nodded again. "Then after dinner take him ask him to talk to you in about an hour and work it all out." James said firmly determination in his voice very prominent. Sirius was slightly taken back by James seeming so eager and firm. If he was this way with Lily maybe they would actually be dating right about now. "Alright I'll do it." Sirius said. James smiled at his friend. He just hoped that now finally after all this time he would tell Remus how he felt. And that Remus would reciprocate. "Now eat some food you haven't eaten anything." James said pushing a plate toward Sirius who immediately starting scoffing down the food. Remus glanced at Sirius for a moment and saw hims stuffing his face. Typical. He always did find it endearing and would tell him so slow down before he got a stomach ache. He frowned thinking of the happy memory. He shouldn't think about how cute Sirius' face is when it's stuffed with food. So he looked back down into his third cup of tea looking at the tea leaves gather in the bottom of the mug. When dinner is over the students make their way back to their common rooms. Remus is walking behind Alice and Lily who are gushing over idea for a date to Hogsmeade Alice had been planning. He just walked with his shoulders down a little. He was thinking that he would read in the windowsill in Lily's room before he would go to sleep. Lily had suggested he stay with them for a week and see how it would go from there on out. No one in Lily's room minded they all loved Remus and where fine with him staying. He always seemed more interested in books than girls anyway. Remus was thinking of which new book from the library to start reading when he was yanked aside. It all happened so fast, when he could see clearly again he saw that he was in a broom closet. He looked around and saw Sirius standing there looking so handsome in the dim light. All the muscles in his body tensed upon seeing Sirius. "What do you want Sirius." Remus said not appreciating being shoved into a broom closet. "Before you go off on me. I want to ask you if we can talk, tonight at same place same time?" Sirius said sounding nervous. Which is something Remus didn't see too often. Remus softened his gaze a little. "Uhm.. yeah sure see you then." Remus said looking back down at his feet not wanting to fall back into Sirius' comforting gaze. "Alright thank you, I'll explain everything we'll talk see you then Moony." Sirius said carefully. Remus back muscles tensed up slightly at the nickname. He didn't know what Sirius was going to explain and what was going to happen to them. But he knew he wanted Sirius to keep calling him Moony in that soft way he always seemed to pull off better than anyone. Remus just nodded and walked out of the broom closet. Sirius sighed at how Remus was so uncomfortable in his presence. But at least he wanted to talk. Sirius ran his hand through his wavy black hair and walked out of the closet himself. Ironic really. If only he was actually ready to do so. Remus sits on the windowsill where they had made a makeshift bed for him. He had his favorite sweater on and a book in his hand. Eye on the clock to make sure he left on time. He and Lily had had a little chat before she went to study with Alice. She wanted to make sure Remus would be okay and be strong and stand up for himself. And Remus agreed. He loved Sirius with every cell in his body. But he needed Sirius to know how well, serious this was and that it really hurt him to see him be with someone else. He needed Sirius to know that he couldn't just treat Remus as one of his hook up chicks. Which he hopped Desdemona was. He didn't need him to come out he just needed to know he cared and was willing to try for him. Remus deserved to be treated well. In all honesty he didn't want to be Sirius' dirty little secret anymore. His secret boyfriend who he loves in the dark. He wasn't going to be that person anymore. So there he sat nervous in his makeshift bed that was actually really comfortable putting another piece of chocolate in his mouth, eyes sliding over the pages gracefully. One by one all the girls in in Lily' room went to sleep. He kept glancing at the clock until it was time for him to go. He slipped on his shoes and a warm sweater and walked out of the dorm of sleeping girls to see Sirius. Sirius had been pacing their dorm all night. He was so nervous. He just wanted to apologize and get everything back to the way it was. It got to a point where James was yelling at him to leave the dorm because he was creating something of a draft. Sirius had just rolled his eyes. He didn't think he had ever been this nervous. But the cocky side of him just new that Remus would have to forgive him. Or at least that's all he wanted. He practiced all he wanted to say in his head many times. "Merlin Sirius you are making me nervous." James hissed as he tried to read a potions book. Sirius turned to his friend. "Sorry Prongs I just want him in my arms. Can't think of a reason why he wouldn't but he looked so sad today." Sirius said the confident smile fading ever so slightly. "Well you really hurt him." James said nonchalantly not bothering to look up at his best friend. Sirius looked over to his so called best friend with a sneer. "Thanks for the support man." He said carrying on with pacing. "Look mate I know you care for him just be honest and try to keep the temper at bay, you fucked up, he's gonna be upset." James said to him looking at him now needing him to hear this. This was the best advice he could have given. Sirius scoffed but nodded anyway. "Yeah I know thanks Prongs." When Remus reached the top of the astronomy tower he was stiff with nerves. He had no idea what Sirius wanted and had to say. He felt his palms get a tad sweaty. Much like the first night Sirius had asked him to come up hear and talk alone. He took a deep breath upon seeing Sirius sitting there already looking up at the stars. Sirius seemed busy in thought as he didn't seem to notice Remus' presence. Remus coughed awkwardly trying to get Sirius' attention. Sirius was startled and turned to see Remus. Fuck he was so handsome. "Hey glad you came." Sirius said with a wide smile. Remus kept a straight face though. Sirius hurt him and he deserved to know why he had acted this way. This couldn't be solved with a hug and a kiss. "Yeah let's just get to the point okay?" Remus said still managing to sound kind. Sirius sighed knowing this wasn't going to be easy. "Why Sirius, I don't understand at all what happened yesterday. You've been acting weird lately and I don't know why. Do you not like me? Are you not into guys after all like you said? Did I do something wrong, what happened Sirius?" Remus said quietly. He was terrified of Sirius' answer. The insecure side of him was thinking maybe he wasn't good enough for Sirius or that to Sirius this might just be an experiment or a fling. "Remus that's not what it is at all. Yes I like boys only boys you know that. You didn't do anything wrong and of course I like you Moony." He said stepping closer to Remus seeing how the nerves where eating him up. "Well it doesn't feel that way especially when you suddenly make out with another person. And that person being a girl. So excuse me if I have my doubts." Remus said crossing his arms over each other feeling a tad more confident. "I can explain Moony." Sirius said. "Floor is yours." Is all Remus said. "My mom and dad sent me a letter about three weeks ago saying they were coming to watch the game between us and Slytherin seeing as Regulus made it onto the team. You know how they are Moony." "Absolutely dreadful." Remus cut in. "Yes they are, and every now and then when they announce they want to pop up and visit pretending to be decent parents they want me to be on my best behavior, good grades, a pureblood girl on my arm all that jazz." Remus rolled his eyes the sass coming through. "They do this every year at least once or twice and James knows them so we devised a plan two years ago. Every time I get the letter James and I well mostly James look for a pureblood Slytherin to pretend to be with me. And I tell them that because I'm gay and don't want all the fuss. It's just easier that way." He finishes off. "Wait what?" Remus asks. Sirius lifts his head to look up at him. "You hate your parents and their disgusting ways of thinking and doing, but you want to impress or please them?" Remus says barely believing the words leaving his lips. "Look Remus..." Sirius attempted but Remus cut him off. "And even then you didn't think that I ought to know about your little plan? At least tell me something so that I knew and wouldn't have to cry my heart out all night thinking I meant nothing to you or that I wasn't good enough." Remus said feeling the pain in his heart as he spoke. What were you thinking Sirius? "You wouldn't have understood much like you don't understand it now." Sirius raising his voice. His temper coming out to play. Exactly what James had warned him about. "That's bullshit Sirius you know you can tell me anything not that you ever do. I wouldn't have liked but I would have accepted it if that's what you wanted." Remus said running his hand over his face in frustration. "I had to do it Remus for my family I know you don't understand that kind of sacrifice but I had no damn choice." Sirius shot back. Again slipping into a dangerous position of self defense, forgetting momentarily that this was Remus he was talking to. "That's not very fair Sirius." Remus said. "I had to Remus." "You didn't have to do anything Sirius!" Remus spoke up. "You don't know them Remus they're vile and cruel." "Then why do you do what they want to impress or please them!" Remus spoke louder now. He hated to be so rude but he was so upset and hurt. He didn't get why Sirius wouldn't just communicate with him. "You wouldn't understand nor could you." Sirius said so much venom in his voice that Remus barely recognized it. This was probably the way he would talk to his parents. "Alright then." Remus said his voice quiet again. He just wanted to leave if Sirius was only going to jab at him. "I know you don't want to hide anymore Remus I do but I don't have a choice you can't just drag me into this. You just don't understand." Sirius said. Remus felt cold. "I never said you had to come out I never forced you Sirius. Nor would I want to it's your decision. Your truth to speak. I understand pretty damn well Sirius that you're terrified of your family and what they think of you, scared they'll disown you, that they'll hurt you. Even though they are horrid to you. But that's not even it because the only thing your really afraid of is yourself and your true feelings. If you don't want to come out and live this painful fake truth instead that's fine." Remus spoke with conviction. The words hit Sirius' ears but he barely registered what Remus had said. "Thank you baby, thank you." Sirius said as he went to hug Remus. "No I understand but it's not okay to me. It's fine if you want to do that and live your life that way and pretend you like girls. But I don't want to be a part of it, I don't want to be your dirty little secret." Remus said firmly as he spoke from the heart. He didn't want to just be kissed in the shadows. Not anymore no matter how much he loved Sirius. "Remus what are you saying?" Sirius said suddenly very quiet. "If you can't be what I need and be good for me, it's over Sirius I don't want to hide anymore." Remus said in a mousy voice. As the words hit both of their ears both men got tears in their eyes. Sirius never thought it would come to this. The love of his life was actually breaking up with him. "No Remus please don't." He cried out. "You need to do your thing and I need to do mine." "No Moony-" "I can't push you up and you can't keep me down. I'm sorry Sirius." Remus said letting the tears fall down to the stone floor. The floor they had laid on together for so long. The memories suffocating both men. Sirius felt his whole world collapse. His heart was bleeding and breaking apart his head was hurting his limbs felt like stone. He was angry and hurt he was heartbroken. As he stood there in the cold night sobbing not being able to move. Remus walked to him and gave him a hug. A goodbye hug. "I'm sorry Padfoot." He whispered as he gave Sirius a kiss on the top of his head and let him go. Sirius tried to grab him but his limbs were so heavy he was much too late. "No Moony please." He cried as his legs gave out and he sat on the cold stone floor with an aching heart. He called after Remus but Remus had already walked down the stairs of the Astronomy tower also with an aching heart. He knew this was harsh but if this was the way Sirius was going to live his life Remus refused to be someone's mistress. He deserved love. Happy love. Light love. He loved Sirius with all his heart. He truly had believed they were soulmates. And that they would spend their lives together. And it killed a part inside of him to break it off with Sirius but he knew in the end it would be better for them both. He walked into Lily's room and got into his windowsill bed. And let the quiet tears fall. He felt Lily lay next to him. She hugged him as the big spoon. "It's okay Remus what happened?" She asked softly. "He wants to please his family by telling a lie, and I can't do that so I- I broke it off, I don't to be anyone's secret Lily." He finished crying into her hand that she had wrapped around him. "It will be okay you've got me I'm so proud of you Rem so proud." Lily whispered into his hair. She knew how hard the decision he made was. She knew he loved Sirius. Maybe if he didn't know himself or want to admit it. But Remus loved him. Had for a long time. Lily just held him tightly. Sirius wandered back into the common room thoughtlessly. He was still in shock. He walked up into the Marauders dorm. James was still up reading in the same book. Wormtail was sleeping peacefully in his bed without a care in the world. James heard the door close and looked up. He had wanted to stay up to comfort his best friend incase it had ended badly. He threw his book aside and stood up walking to Sirius. "Hey Pads how did it go?" He asked worriedly. It was then that it seemed to all hit Sirius all at once. He was such a coward. He had lost the one person he had ever loved. The love of his life. His precious ray of sunshine. What had he done? He was so overwhelmed with emotion that his feet just gave out. He crashed onto the floor crying loud and violently. James ran over to his friend and engulfed him in a hug. "It's okay Pads it's okay what happened?" James asked fearing the worst. "He broke up with me..." Saying it cut through Sirius painfully and he just cried in his friends embrace. "I love him." Sirius sobbed. "I know Pads." James spoke softly. Sirius looked at him "What?" James just laughed. "Padfoot you've had your eye on him since year one. You've liked him forever. Of course you love him." Sirius grabbed onto James' shirt as he cried. The realisation of his love for Remus hurt him. He just felt so broken. They stayed like that for a long while. Sirius was just torn apart. This is what Remus must have felt like that night. He was a horrid person. When he stopped crying. He told James everything. And James just listened. Eventually Sirius started to fall asleep due to exhaustion. James put him to bed. That's when Sirius asked him to stay and James did. He hugged him tightly as they both fell asleep. The next day Sirius felt like a zombie. He felt dead on the inside but seemed alive on the outside. His hair looked messier than ever he had dark circles under his eyes and his uniform was on even more sloppy than it usually was. He looked dreadful but he felt the same so it was okay. Everything hit him. Everything. All the words Remus had spoken to him. They were all true. He was just too afraid to admit his feelings for Remus to himself and now it came in hard all at once. And it was the most painful feeling he had ever felt. He almost preferred the crusiatus curse. And seeing Remus he just wanted to get on his knees and apologise until he took him back. Begging him to take him back. He couldn't though. He didn't look much better than Sirius did. He just looked emotionally drained and exhausted. And that's how the day went by. Both men were just so tired. Exhausted. Wanted nothing more than to fall into each other's arms and fall asleep with their bodies intertwined. This was torture. Remus was quiet all day almost falling asleep in divination. Not that Sirius could blame him it was so boring to him. Sirius for a change was so quiet. He didn't call Severus names. He didn't do anything he normally would. Except occasionally look at Remus. He would immediately regret it. He looked so broken and it killed him to see the man he loved this way. The day dragged on painfully and slowly. At dinner Lily had invited an older Gryffindor to sit with her and Remus. He was in his last year and he was openly gay. She thought maybe it would cheer Remus up and see that a breakup wasn't the end of the world. Even though she knew how much Remus loved Sirius. She just wanted to do something other than offer him tea. "Remus this is Jackson." Remus looked up at the tall handsome man who was smiling at him. Remus smiled politely at the man and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you." Remus said ever the polite gentleman. "Likewise Remus." Jackson said as he took a seat next to Remus. As he was taking his seat Remus looked at Lily. "Okay and what is this?" Lily looked at him innocently. "Well he's an older gay Gryffindor I thought maybe he could cheer you up about the breakup." Remus raised his eyebrow. "Yes I gathered the gay thing Lily." Remus said. "It's not that obvious." Remus laughed. "Lily he makes my sexuality questionable." Remus said just as Lily wanted to take a sip of her pumpkin juice which naturally went everywhere. Remus covered his mouth with his hand to hide some of the laughing. But soon he Lily and Jackson were laughing and chatting. The commotion made Sirius and James turn to them to see what happened. James quickly handed Lily his napkin which she kindly accepted with a smile. Which of course meant James was on a cloud. Sirius noticed Remus talking to some older Gryffindor he didn't know. He was clearly gay and Sirius felt the jealousy and anger build up in him. He was furious. Remus was moving on already? And that guy who the hell was he even. Who did he think he was. Throwing himself at Remus flirty disgustingly. He wasn't good enough for Remus. Besides he wasn't even Remus' type. Or was he? He and Remus had never talked about boys or anything in that alley. The just knew they wanted each other. But then again everyone knew Sirius Black was the most handsome guy. Sirius spent all dinner picking at his food and eating very little of it. He was too focused on Remus. Fuck he was gorgeous. He was smiling and talking to the other boy animatedly. Remus did enjoy talking to Jackson. He was nice and was rather funny. Not like Sirius though. Sirius was so so funny. And Remus admitted Jackson was rather handsome. But those brown eyes did nothing for him. He had fallen too deep into the light blue electric grey eyes that belonged to Sirius. Those eyes had captivated him and that would never change. He would always love Sirius. And he coudln't imagine being with another man. Maybe in the future but for the next few years he didn't want to be with anyone. Nor could he all he would be able to see is Sirius. When dinner was over Sirius wanted to talk to Remus. He wanted him back and dammit was he going to. He grabbed Remus' arm and apparated into a classroom. "What the hell Sirius." Remus said falling over onto a desk. "Moving on already are you?" Remus was confused. "What?" Sirius rolled his eyes. "You heard me moving on with that guy?" Remus couldn't even believe him right now. That prick. "I thought you'd have standards this guy really it's a right laugh Remus." Sirius spoke feeling overly confident. Remus looked at Sirius so angry. "He was giving me advice Sirius." He spoke angrily. "Oh yeah what about?" Sirius asked prying. "About what to best do when your ex boyfriend is being a fucking dick!" Remus said a tad louder. "Oh please he was trying to seduce you." Remus actually laughed. "Oh please we all know your one to talk having that girl in your bed after knowing her for what two days?" Remus shot back. Sirius raised his eyebrow. Did Remus really think he fucked a girl. Even the notion. "Anyway it's none of your concern anyway." Remus said as he walked out pain in his heart and walked up to the dorms. He needed some chocolate. Sirius did the same just taking a long warm shower thinking of how to get the love of his life back. He had a plan. It was Remus and Sirius' six month anniversary today. And Remus had been feeling glum when he woke up. Merlin he missed Sirius. He loved him so much it hurt to see him. He wondered if it would ever get better. He just wanted to hug him kiss him bury his nose in his long black hair. It was a Saturday and everyone was heading to Hogsmeade. Remus really didn't want to go. He would have rather stayed in his bed with a book. But Jackson had made him come telling him there was something really cool he wanted to show him. Remus bets where on the Shrieking Shack which he knew all too well but he wasn't about to tell Jackson that. Lily had ditched him to go to The Three Broomsticks with James. She swore it wasn't a date but if Remus was honest. Of course it was a date. He was happy they finally seemed to put aside the crap and just accept that they really did like each other. Sirius had seemed to have disappeared. Remus didn't see much of him at all. Which he was happy about in a way but in another way it made his heart long for the man even more. Remus was walking mindlessly behind Jackson with thoughts and memories of Sirius in his head. "This is our stop." Jackson says. Remus looks at him confused. "Come on." Jackson said opening the door for him. He led them both to one of the private rooms for hire in The Three Broomsticks. They were led into the most amazing beautiful room. It was decorated with flowers and candles it looked very romantic. Remus was getting worried he didn't want Jackson to misunderstand he didn't want to go out with him in any other than friends. They were sat down at the table Remus facing away from the door which made him feel a little unsure. "Relax Remus, here let me put on some music." He stood up and walked behind Remus to the little record player he had seen upon walking in. The room was gorgeous and beautifully lit. "Look Jackson this is really beautiful but I don't want you to get the wrong idea I don't want to be romantically involved with anyone right now. It was silent for a few seconds. "Not even with me Moony?" No fucking way. Sneaky son of a murtlap. He turned his head to see Sirius Black standing there with a huge bouquet of flowers and a smile that bordered on a smirk. "Padfoot..." Remus wanted to ask what he was doing here but he could take a wild guess. Sirius walked over to Remus' side when he turned around. "Remus please look at me." Sirius asked kneeling down next to Remus' chair not letting the flowers go. Remus just wanted to look away he looked so damn good. He was wearing his neat black jeans a black crisp dress shirt with a red tie. And of course his black boots he never takes off. Merlin he looked so fucking handsome Remus needed a moment. "Moony please look at me." Finally Remus looked at Sirius. "I asked Jackson to bring you here, you know why babe?" Sirius spoke softly. Remus rolled his eyes "Not to chug butterbeer I'm guessing." Remus said a smile playing at his lips. "I just want to be really honest for a minute you can leave if you want to. But just please hear me out Remus." Sirius pleaded. Remus nodded. Sirius sighed gratefully. He sat opposite side of Remus. "I'm so sorry for what I did Remus I really am. I fucked up and in the process I hurt you and I am so angry at myself for making you go through that pain. I was selfish and I was being a coward. I was trying to hide my true feelings by making up a huge bullshit plan that was doomed for failure form the start. I thought as long as I repeat certain things in my mind they would be true. I don't give a damn about my parents and what they think. I'm gay and I like guys. They can go fuck themselves honestly they're opinion means very little to me. I was just scared to tell you or myself how I really feel. I guess the feelings got so much that I shut down and got scared of the meaning of them. And the fear that you wouldn't feel the same way. Because Moony I- I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time. I just was so scared maybe you wouldn't feel the same way and that petrified me. But I mean it Moony merlin I love you so so so fucking much. Your what keeps me calm, you make me feel happy when I honestly can't smile. You let me sneak into bed with you when I have nightmares. You're my best friend. Your so sweet and kind to everybody but especially to me. Your such a wonderful person and when you said we should break up my heart broke. I don't want anyone else but you. You're the one for me Moony, your my ray of moonlight on the darkest nights. I shine when I'm with you. You make me a better person and make me feel complete. You're the love of my life and I couldn't see myself being with any other person. I love you so much Remus John Lupin." Sirius finished off. He let out a breath he hadn't noticed he was keeping in. He felt tears prickle in his eyes as he finished his long love confession. Remus stayed silent while he tried his best not to cry. Sirius was afraid maybe he didn't believe him. "Remus baby, please believe me. Please say something." Sirius pleaded. "I'm ready to come out. I am and not only for you but for me. I can't lose you Remus I can't, not again. Please love please take me back. I know I fucked up but please take me back I don't want to be without you." Sirius continued tears slipping from his eyes. Was he really going to lose Remus? He couldn't these past few days had been hell. Sirius looked into Remus' eyes not being able to read the expression. Tears rolled down Remus' cheeks and he smiled so wide at Sirius. "I love you Padfoot fuck I love you." He spoke with a few quiet cries. "I was so scared you just saw me as an experiment or a fling. While I knew I loved you I was so scared I couldn't lose my best friend." Sirius sobbed into his hands. He loved him back. Moony loved him as much as he loved him. "Oh my love come here please I need to feel your touch." Remus said. Sirius shot off his chair and into Remus' arms. Where he belonged. "I'm so sorry Moony." he cried being overwhelmed with emotion. Remus sat down on the chair talking Sirius into his arms. He just sat with the love of his life in his arms. "Shhh Pads no need to cry it's all gonna be okay." Sirius smiled at him. "Now get off me I want a proper hug." Remus said with a small smirk. They stood opposite each other with the biggest smiles on their faces. "Moony will you please forgive." Sirius asked. "I forgive you Pads." Remus smiled. "Remus will you be my boyfriend?" Sirius said with a smirk. Remus smiled that smile that just drove Sirius crazy. "Yeah, yeah I'll be your boyfriend." He said with so much love in his voice. They gave each other the biggest hug. Kissing, hugging and small whispers of love. Sirius was leaning against Remus' chest listing to his heartbeat. "I love you so much Moony." Remus smiled and kissed Sirius' hair. "I love you as well Padfoot." They both finally felt peace. They knew how they both felt and they knew they were on the same wavelength again. "How about we leave and go snuggle in my bed, I'll read to you." Remus suggested. Sirius smiled at his lover. "I don't care too much what we do as long as it's with you." Sirius smiled a love lazy smile on his handsome face. They walked out of The Three Broomsticks back to the castle. They picked some extra chocolate up in the way. Hand in hand they walked toward Hogwarts with the biggest smiles either man had ever sported. Hands intertwined and hearts beating in time they landed on Remus' bed talking and nibbling on chocolate sharing kisses every few minutes. Music playing softly in the background as the two men were consumed in each other. "Happy six months Moony." Sirius said. Remus smiled up at Sirius. "I'm not sure that counts love." Sirius scoffed. "Of course it does we were only apart for like three days." Remus shook his head in amusement. "Tell me why I love you again?" Remus teased. "Rude!" Sirius said getting off the bed. Remus was stronger than he was and pulled him back in the position they were snuggling in. "Merlin I love you Padfoot, so much." He said as he gave Sirius kisses all over his face and Sirius just smiled feeling the love given in the kisses resonate through his body. "I love you Moony." The sealed the space between them with one more passionate kiss that spoke more than words ever could. That's where they belonged. Together on the same bed intertwined in each others touch and love. The place they felt safe and loved and comfortable. At peace with themselves and their shared love. Finally letting themselves be honest with their feelings. The End.


End file.
